Story One:
Let’s be honest, sex is weird. If you really sit back and think, the actual act of sex is such a strange concept but it’s what we’re born to do so we might as well embrace is and all the awkwardness it brings us. We’ve all been there; one of those nights where you and your partner have both had a bit too much to drink but can’t help to think the alcohol will turn you into a sex god. There you are, half naked starting to sober up enough only to realize what you’ve just gotten yourself into. You’re hoping everything gets executed perfectly and you leave your partner texting you after for round 2. However, not to your surprise, the fairytale fantasy doesn’t go as planned and next thing you know, you’re waking up at 8am with one fake eyelash on, your hair in a bun and no shirt on. Does this sound familiar to you? If yes, don’t worry, you’re not alone. I’ve had quite the number of awkward encounters in bed and I’m here to share them with you to let you know you’re not alone.
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I’ll start off with the most recurring awkward act. It was not with a random man I would never have to see again, unfortunately, but with a boy whom I had a thing with for about a year. Before this man I had very little experience with the “norms” of sex culture so I didn’t think it was such a weird thing until I told my friends and they’ve made fun of me about it ever since. So, when I told them how this man had “sex” with me fully clothed the first time, it was strange (and hilarious) sounding and they informed me it was called dry humping. Now, a one time dry humping experience happens to the best of us, however, this happened at least 20 times which makes it even funnier. I’ve never met a person more into dry humping as this man, he had no shame which I respect. Sadly, our dry humping days came to an end but I’m thankful to have had that experience because now me and my friends always have something to laugh (and make fun of me) about.
A more recent thing happened to me that is more funny than is it awkward due to the circumstances. I hope neither of them ever read this and put two and two together because I would have to change my name and flee the country, but I’m here to spill the tea. This next man is dry humpers best friend. He unfortunately didn’t share the same passion for dry humping as his friend, but I could not complain. Me and this man were both very intoxicated and proceeded to (consensually) have sex. It was going pretty much as expected for being drunk and trying to function normally. Keep in mind that I am friends with this man and did not expect any of this to happen. At one point he whispered in my ear and asked me to kiss his neck, which isn’t weird but because of who this man is made me laugh when he asked; he also asked me if I could “ride” which almost made pee from laughin, and some other things I will spare you from reading. To make everything weirder, he shares his room with one other person so, I slept in his bed and he slept in his roomates bed. Moral of the stories: become asexual.
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Story Two:
So being real here, I had such a “hoe” stage. I was the tinder queen for a while and yeah lets say, I did a lot…I’m not exactly proud of but hey, things happen. I was sad, lonely and somewhat depressed and just went through a breakup and you know how that goes. And actually, I don’t know if any sex stories I have are actually weird or just shocking and tramatizing? But the one I’ll share for the sake of length was this one guy I was hanging out with. Cool guy and we talked for a while. Then he started aggressively making out with me, which he kinda kissed badly (like wet and someone I guessed described it as a lizard eventually?) so yeah that was not great. And he wasn’t that smooth and I really didn’t get turned down and he was moving so fast (typical male).
So he was ready to do the deed and I said I wasn’t wet but he had his condom on and said it was lubricated so he went for it. But he was definitely bigger AND IT HURT LIKE HELL (and no, I wasn’t a virgin at that point). I made him stop and resorted to the good old blow job. While that was happening, his friends knocked on his dorm room and he literally screamed “not right now”! And then they left or something and then slide a condom under the door…so yeah weird situation. Also I bleed lightly for two or three days since I think he tore some of the vagina lining…So that’s probably not even weird but just cringy. So ladies, make sure you are wet and all, a tornish vagina is terrifying. And sore! But carry on and you do you boo.