2016 was the year women broke the silence and said “Enough”.
Simply put, consent is when someone gives you permission, agrees, or says “yes” to sexual activity with them, and let’s make this crystal clear: consent is always given freely and every single person involved in a sexual situation must feel that they are able to say “yes” or “no”” or stop any sort of sexual act at any point. To simplify it even further, consent is free choice and mutual. It’s not assumed and it has nothing to do with the clothes you wear. Sounds pretty straightforward, right? Apparently not.
The truth is, consent should be simple, but even though 2016 was a year full of positive changes, consent is something that we, as a society, couldn’t seem to agree on. Some victims of sexual assault are still blamed in a way that simply doesn’t seem to happen with other crimes… For example, if someone was robbed, no one’s automatic response would be to ask: “What did you do to deserve it?” Or if someone’s car was stolen, they wouldn’t be expected to go through their car ownership history to see of the theft was legitimate or if it could be blamed on their own behaviour, leaving the thief guilt and charge free. The issue is that for too long, as a society, we have blamed victims for letting themselves be raped; and we have forgiven perpetrators for acting on some kind of instinct from which they seemingly must be protected, which is one of the reasons why so many victims don’t say anything.
There are many reasons why women remain silent about sexual assault. For one, telling the world you’ve been violated means having to relive that moment, and also the stress and humiliation that come with doing so. Reliving that moment means gathering up strength and faith that people will understand. That your words will not be in vain and they will be met with sympathy, despite knowing that victims are often blamed, not believed. I don’t know if most people understand how hard it is for victims to start calling that “awful thing that happened’ what it actually is – rape. And no, I don’t mean a terrible, confusing hookup from an embarrassing night you wish you could take back. It’s hard to admit what happened. And it’s easier not to tell these stories. You know, less messy.
However, last year something remarkable happened: women got tired of been silent. Whether they were encouraged by the dozens of women who had the guts to take on Bill Cosby, who were angered by Donald Trump’s sexist comments and filled with hope with the possibility of the first female president, or were encouraged by social campaigns like #shoutyourabortion, women all around the world broke the silence around sexual assault. And now, we can’t back down. We can’t let society silence us, because silence reinforces the myth that women are alone, which is not true. Time for some cold statistics: Roughly one in five American women will be raped in their lifetime, and almost a quarter say they’ve been touched inappropriately or in a sexual way in public by a stranger.
Let’s not forget each of us is responsible for making sure we have consent in every sexual situation and that those around us are in a safe environment as well. If you’re still unsure about what this means, let’s clarify what I mean when I say consent should not simply be assumed.
Consent should not be assumed by:
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Body language, Non-Verbal Communication or Appearance: You should never assume that based on the way a person acts, looks, or dresses, that they want to have sex with you.
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Previous Activity: Just because the person you’re with engaged in a sexual activity before, it doesn’t guarantee that they’re going to want to engage in the same sexual activity later. Always ask. Never assume.
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Dating: Just because two people are dating or have had sex in the past, again, this doesn’t guarantee that they’re going to consent to have sex with you.
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Silence: This includes passivity, immobility or lack of resistance. A person’s silence is not consent. A person who does not respond to your attempts to engage in sexual activity, is clearly not agreeing to have sex with you. If they can’t move or say something, stop.
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Incapacitation: Drinking alcohol or consuming drugs can often leave people unable to make conscious decisions.
Let’s make sure we keep working on the issues we left unresolved and keep on fighting for those who need us. We all should know where we stand, is this something you really don’t want to be clear on?