Her Campus PS Behrend's Love and Sex Week is back in full swing this year and we're kicking it off with embarrassing sex stories part 2! Now let's not forget about the original in all its red-faced glory, but this sequel might take the cake.
I feel like embarrassing sex situations and stories are a right of passage. You know you’ve peaked in life when you have an awkward story to tell. So last year I had a bit of a wild semester - not ashamed. I’m not a Tinder person so I just tried a little harder with flirting with some friends I thought were cute. One night, a guy friend that I had been flirting hard with invited me to come over and I thought “what the hell, why not” and went over. We started watching Netflix and we all know where that led. It got kinda out of hand and next thing I knew he got too into it, “pushed” a little too forcefully and made me smack my head off the wall super hard. I remember closing my eyes after the impact, but apparently I was out for like 10 minutes. ...I blacked out for ten minutes. Blacked. Out. To make things worse after I came to, he was apologizing and freaking out and I was trying to explain that everything was okay. We decided to try again (why? I don’t know) but instead of being super “pushy”, he changed to biting and hickeys and he got too into it again and bite me so hard on the boob that I bled, screamed in pain and reactively slapped him. Completely horrified by what happened, I grabbed my clothes and peaced.
So my boyfriend and I were hanging out in my room and he was complaining that he was having a bad day. My sweet self-decided that I was going to go down on him since I hadn’t in quite some time. The problem was I had a tiny stomach ache before even beginning. Once I brought him “there”, I went to finish the deed and when it came time for his time, I couldn’t finish him off. I immediately threw up into a nearby trashcan and ran to my bathroom incredibly embarrassed. The words “did you just throw up?” will never leave my head to this day.
Freshman year is a time to experiment and find yourself in a completely new environment. Tinder was fresh for me because senior year in high school I was in a relationship--it was a whole new world. You know when you come across those people on tinder that looks nothing like they do in their pictures? This is one of those cases. So, I had been messaging this boy for a while and was feeling myself one night and thought “What the heck, I’ll go for it!” He picks me up (free ride) and I open the door to the blonde equivalent of Bert from Sesame Street. I eventually got over the boy that was the cartoon character from my childhood, and things started getting hot and heavy at his apartment. He had me in the first quarter but lost me after repeatedly calling me “naughty”. That being said, I was in the moment and didn't really realize what was actually going on (Mostly because he wasn’t really satisfying mama’s needs and I checked out mentally). We got done with the two hours of strenuous labor and nothing THAT memorable happened… I thought. My best friend telepathy must have been on overdrive because as soon as I walked into my dorm I locked eyes with my bff and we convened in the bathroom. The ugly blue walls were witness to the MASSACRE that was my body. I had hickeys EVERYWHERE; They were on my neck, stomach, arms, legs, essentially any fleshy part of my body. In conclusion, be careful when meeting up with a random tinder match because they may be Dracula waiting to suck your blood.
The summer before my freshman year of college, I traveled around the U.K. on a cruise with my family. I was 18 years old so it was one of the first times I was legally allowed to be in clubs or buy alcohol which made the trip that much more exciting. More than a few of my nights on the ship were spent in the on-board club. I would hang out with some friends I made on the ship that were around my age. Of all the fun we had there was one experience, while not super embarrassing, that I consider to be one of the best stories I have to tell.
After a night in the club, my friends and I lounged at the 24-hour café and talked for awhile. After an hour or so, the girl I had been flirting with named Ashley said she needed to be getting to bed as it was about 3 AM. I offered to walk her to her room and we said goodnight to our friends.
We stepped into an elevator and she started teasing me that I had “so much to learn” because I was a bit younger than her. Of course, I respond with something along the lines of, “Oh really? What exactly do I need to be taught?”
Aaaaand we started to make out.
As we started clothes started to come off, we reached her floor. The doors opened and closed and the lights dimmed (I assume it was a function to save energy when the elevator wasn’t in use). The elevator remained motionless as things continued to escalate in the best way possible.
Then the lights turned back on.
The elevator started to move downward and we scrambled to throw on our shirts and button up our pants. As the doors opened I get my shirt on and a maintenance man walks in. It had to have been very clear to him what was going on from the looks on our faces, our ruffled hair, and my polo shirt that was on inside out with the collar all screwed up. We made small talk with him until he left and then promptly started fooling around again.
Completely ignoring the fact that there was still a very real chance of being caught, Ashley and I tap a button to a different floor and continued to fool around. The elevator went up and once again the doors opened and closed and the lights dimmed.
And of course, the lights turn back on again and the elevator starts moving.
The doors open to reveal the same maintenance man we had talked to seven minutes ago. The only thing I could think of to say during what felt like longest elevator ride ever was “Whoops, missed our floor.” After he leaves, Ashley and I decide to find somewhere else to do our business (we each had our sleeping families in each of our rooms so we tried to be creative). We wandered around the ship until about 5 AM when we agreed that we should go to sleep instead as we both had to be up in the morning.
I walked her to her room as I said I was going to do and we started talking in the hallway. All of a sudden, I heard someone yelling. I look down one end of the hallway and saw no one. Then I heard the yelling getting closer behind me and I turned to see this large, older woman barreling down the hall with her eyes locked on Ashley and I. The first words I can make out are “YOU BITCH!”. At that point, I’m like, “uhhhhh bye Ashley”
I started speed-walking in the opposite direction of the angry woman and I heard “WE’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU ALL NIGHT.” I continue to pick up speed and start full out sprinting when I hear the woman scream “GET BACK HERE YOU WHORE AND LET ME SEE YOUR FACE!!!”
I get to the end of the hallway, run through a passage that only ship workers are allowed to use, and eventually make it back to my room.
On the last day of the cruise (a few days after the incident) I ran into Ashley. I asked her how everything went with the woman and she said something like “Oh that was my mom. Don’t worry about it she just thought you were someone else.”
Immediately I think “Um, there was another whore???” but I don’t say anything about it. We made small talk until she had to get going. Before she finally said goodbye she gave me her business card and told me to call her up sometime if I was ever in California.
Now I know what you’re thinking, “If you were so young why did she have a business card?” The answer to this question is what I consider to be the best detail of the story: I was only 18 but Ashley was 26.
Hookups are already incredibly awkward, both people are tense, and this should loosen them up and “take the edge off.” But not this time. (Let’s call him Mark) Mark and I were watching Netflix and one thing led to another and he was on top of me. Subsequently, we are “watching” Netflix in doggy style. By the way, American Horror Story: Hotel was on and you can only imagine how weird it can get. So, while he was going at it right behind me, we both looked up at the screen and a guy was being raped from behind in AHS, in exactly same position that we were. To say that we were uncomfortable is a huge understatement, I could not look at him for the next couple of days…