Breaking up with a significant other is hard. There will be tears, fights, indecision, and wallowing. The heartbroken are blinded by their anguish and anger, causing them to make confused and ill-thought-out plans. Like hooking up with five people in one night. Or constantly calling their ex and leaving weepy voice messages. But who can blame them? They are stuck in a black-hole of suck with no conceivable way out. That’s when you, the friend, come in. Friends are there to stabilize and guide the heartbroken until the breakup goggles fall off. However, this is a delicate situation. There is no one as vulnerable or as volatile as a person with a freshly wounded heart. Every word has the potential to trip the waterworks. So how do you help a friend through a breakup without inadvertently sending them into a self-pity spiral? Here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. KEEP THEM AWAY FROM DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
This is the golden rule of breakup damage control. Drugs and alcohol might seem like the perfect short-term fix, but they actually amplify the crazy emotions your friend is already experiencing. What’s worse, they strip away the last bits of restraint that have been fencing in those emotions. You end up with an incoherent friend sobbing on the ground, taking breaks only to vomit on your shoes. And that’s the best-case scenario. So hide her liquor, her shot glasses, her NyQuil, and any other controlled substance. What your friend needs is stability, not a night she will be glad she cannot remember.
2. TAKE EVERYTHING THEY SAY WITH A GRAIN OF SALT
Your friend will be a little bipolar after a breakup. One moment, she’s revealing the nastiest secrets about her ex, and the next, she’ll be saying that her ex was “the one” and that she will never love again. I’m not saying to completely discredit all of her emotions, but be skeptical. Remember that you’re only hearing one side of the story, and a completely exaggerated side to boot. So when she’s ranting about how her ex never complimented her and constantly talked down to her, be supportive, but understand that most of what she’s saying is fueled by her hurt. Which leads to our next tip…
3. DONT’T FUEL THE FIRE
Your friend is going to be angry, there’s no way around it. She will want to strangle her ex and it is your job to make sure she never gets to that point. With as many emotions as she must be feeling, anger will be easy to latch onto. And although anger can be good, or at least better than depression, it is also a destructive emotion that will eventually make your friend feel even worse. So if she’s talking about keying her ex’ car, shut it down. Don’t encourage this vengeful behavior, even if it feels so right at the moment. Distract her before the anger eats her up.
4. KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF
I know that it is gut instinct to be angry at the person who broke your friend’s heart, but the first few weeks after the breakup is not the right time to rage. After all, you’re not the one who is hurting. And it actually hurts her to hear you bash her ex, no matter how much he/she deserves it. I had a friend who had just broken up with her long-time boyfriend burst into tears after another friend said, “He was awful. You were too good for him anyways.” That was not what she wanted to hear at the moment because, after all, she had willingly dated this “awful” guy for a year. It’s like the rule with children: you can only make fun of your own. So even if she’s yelling about his fat face and his receding hairline, resist from adding that he had smelly feet and a lazy eye too.
5. ASK QUESTIONS
You may feel like you have no idea what to say to your friend after her breakup, but that is only because you think that she wants your advice. In fact, advice is the last thing that she wants to hear. What she wants is an open ear to listen to her and a strong shoulder for her to cry on. Ask her questions about how she is feeling, how her ex must be feeling, what happened before the breakup, what happened after the breakup, etc. She’ll feel better about a lot of issues once she has a chance to air them out with a trusted friend. Don’t feel like you have to play the role of Oprah. Just be supportive.
6. LET HER EAT HER EMOTIONS
Not everyone will agree, but I feel that if the girl wants to eat a carton of ice cream and then suck down a burrito, that is her right. In fact, get right next to her and help her demolish that order of fries. Unlike drugs and alcohol, food can create the comfort she needs without taking away her faculties. And there are no real consequences for indulging a little. Don’t let it get out of control, but if she needs the distraction and the satisfaction that only a juicy cheeseburger can bring, let her have it. And don’t you dare tell her how many calories she’s consuming.
7. BE AVAILABLE
Let your friend know that you are available at all times to talk or to hang out. Without a significant other to eat up her spare time, one of your friend’s greatest problems is how to deal with loneliness. So take the time to have a John Hughes movie marathon, or a girls’ night out, or even just a simple dinner. She will definitely appreciate having someone to lean on. And being there as a friend will remind her that being single isn’t as terrifying as she first thought.
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