Little Red Umbrellas because picture-uploading websites don’t support sexually explicit images and I thought, what better to represent sexual encounters..
On March 7th, New York Times Op-ed columnist Ross Douthat wrote about the virtues of monogamy. While the title of the article, Why Monogamy Matters, might lead you to believe it defends monogamy within a relationship, you know, sleeping with and waking up next to the same person you call your [insert appropriate term here] without meanwhile granting those privileges to others, the article indirectly preaches monogamy for life. Sexual monogamy, to be precise. As in, if you are having sex and are not married, you better be planning to marry that person, or your actions are “casual and promiscuous, or just premature and ill considered.” The quote is really good so I’ll paste it:
“But there are different kinds of premarital sex. There’s sex that’s actually pre-marital, in the sense that it involves monogamous couples on a path that might lead to matrimony one day. Then there’s sex that’s casual and promiscuous, or just premature and ill considered.”
Wait, what? That’s it?
In response, Feministing blogger Maya compiled a list of other kinds of sex that, while indeed “premarital,” have real value beyond promiscuity. Read her post “Ross Douthat sells sex and young people way too short” here.
– Sex that starts off casual and then becomes monogamous because people fall in love
– Sex between friends that turns out to be a mistake but one that needed to be made
– Sex that helps a young man learn about female orgasm
– Sex that inspires you
– Sex that gives you the confidence and knowledge and self-awareness to be a really good person and sexual partner in your later long-term monogamous relationships
– Sex between friends who are lonely
– Sex that creates physical connection to other human beings, instead of artificial connection via SMS
– Sex that helps you get over really being hurt by someone
– Sex that assures you of what you don’t ultimately want in a sexual partner
– Sex that teaches you how to come
– Sex that teaches you how to make someone else come
– Sex that is scary and awkward because it is your first time
– Sex that is monogamous but not premarital because you are not eligible to marry under U.S. law
– Sex with someone you can kinda imagine marrying someday but probably won’t because you’re only 16 and have some shit to do first
– Sex with an ex because sometimes nostalgia and familiarity are all you need
– Sex you were sure would become marital until you broke up after many years together
– Sex that helps you explore your orientation and identity
– Sex that staves off the boredom
– Sex that makes you realize your body isn’t as disgusting as you thought it was
– Sex that is monogamous but you are quite sure will never, ever become marital
– Sex with someone you’ve loved for years that only happens once but once is enough
– Sex as protest against Ross Douthat (She must really dislike the guy)
You don’t have to fully agree with the list or believe it comprehensive to recognize its validity. I like the one that makes a point about U.S. marriage laws. But my favorite kinds of sex out of the ones listed above are the ones that emphasize the educational value of an intimate physical relationship with another human being.
When I went to the gynecologist for the first time in Bulgaria, he told me (yes, my gyno is a man), “Sex is not scary; it is the highest form of communication between two people.” In the subsequent years I have come to realize he was right. Preaching sexual conservativism among young people or, as Douthat puts it, “encouraging them to wait a little longer, choose more carefully and judge their sex lives against a strong moral standard” so that the percentage of people under 24 who identify as virgins can continue its safe growth, runs the risk of transforming sex into a dark scary monster that should be fought against as long as possible, and when we finally give in to it, we should hold on to that partner because they embody (literally) our one chance to be moral, thoughtful and considerate. Or maybe all that effort should go into teaching parents how to talk to their daughters and sons about sex, serious sex education in schools, readily available information and contraception and, who knows, funding for organizations like Planned Parenthood..