After recently contracting some sort of surely deadly virus that will have me on a satin deathbed in less than a week, I have come to the conclusion that germs are the ultimate “fashion don’t,” right up there with other horrendous things such as socks and sandals, and Uggs boots and miniskirts. These little monsters of terror are not only preying on my immune system inside me, but they are also giving me an equally sickly-looking exterior to match. In other words, I look as gross as I feel. In order to save you from such a fate, I write to you from the (almost) afterlife to leave you with a sick apocalypse kit of sorts to get you through the talk of the winter season: the flu.
1. Sunglasses
If they aren’t in your bag, it should be because they are on your face. You couldn’t hold an eyeliner pen this morning even if you wanted to with those Dayquiled-up, shaking hands, and you look like you haven’t slept in days (which you probably haven’t). The bigger, the better to hide yourself with, and if anyone tries to get you to take them off even if it is nighttime or you’re indoors, revert to the suffering attitude I always adopt when it is so much as even allergy season.
2. Tissues
Don’t be a sniffling brat; carry some tissues. Don’t skimp when it comes to what kind, also. Go for the something with built-in moisturizer and extra threading. Doing otherwise will make you end up looking like Rudolph, and nothing screams “talk to me and I will infect you” more than a bright red nose.
3. The Makeup Basics
Blush, Concealer, and Chapstick- You’re pale, you’re blotchy, and breathing out of your mouth 24/7 has caused your lips to be pretty far from kissable. Buck up and blush up to add some color back to your zombie skin, cover up your splotches with a good concealer, and be generous with the chapstick usage (maybe you will finish this one before losing it).
4. Big, big hair clips
That elastic ponytail has “I’m not really trying” all over it, which is 100% true when you are sick. However, the other option, a big, bad, beautiful hair clip, means the same thing while masking that fact and giving you instead a look of tousled indifference.
5. Gum/Breath Mints
The fact that you can’t breathe out of your nose, leaving you over there sounding like Darth Vader for the entire 4 hour chemistry lecture, is bad enough. If you are going to be breathing out of your mouth the whole time, it might as well be pleasant. Stock up on some breath fresheners; there are more fun ways to offend people than with your breath.
Regardless of what has gotten you into your infected situation, whether it was a similarly ailing roommate, public transportation, not wearing suitable winter attire, or going to 7/11 at 2 a.m. on a Friday night, even though you felt like you were getting sick but really wanted a slushie (not me, I swear), stock up your bag and get your daily level of Vitamin C.
Until next time (if I live until then),
-Danielle Fox
Photo Credits:
http://sickcerberus.com/2011/1…