In high school, nearly all of my friends had already been having sex, had had sex, or were talking about sex. So the fact that I was a virgin, and still am (surprise!), came as a shocker to the majority of people who knew me. When I studied abroad last year, my friend and his boyfriend exclaimed, “you don’t look like a virgin!” Great, I thought. I guess I look like I’ve been around the block a couple of times? When I asked them why they thought that I wasn’t a virgin and what made me look like I’d had sex already, they bluntly just said they assumed everyone had already been having sex because they were no longer virgins themselves. They, along with many other people I know, consider virginity a novelty. Well, guess what guys, I’m a virgin and this “race” isn’t extinct!
So you know all those articles that I’ve written about sex, and all things sexual? Well surprise, I’m not exactly the sex goddess you may think I am. Yes, I love, love, LOVE to talk about sex and I’m very open in discussing my personal experiences (if you haven’t gathered). But having sex just isn’t a priority for me right now. For many virgins that I’ve spoken to, they agree! Sex is just not at the top of our “to-do” lists. For some of us, sex is scarier than anything else. I was talking to a friend and she stated that the number one reason that she hasn’t had sex yet is because she’s absolutely terrified of getting pregnant. That’s something I can agree to. Growing up, the idea of teen or out of wedlock pregnancy was definitely not welcomed in my household. I distinctly remember telling a family friend congratulations on her pregnancy, and ten minutes later my mom pulling me aside to say that we don’t say congratulations to young girls having babies. I understand her sentiment behind saying that, but it has scarred me for life. There’s no way that I want to make myself another statistic. I know those stories all too well.
Many people assume that if you’re a virgin, you’re a bible toting mega-Christian, or that you’re uptight and a prude, or that you’re really naïve and innocent. Well let me tell you, the majority of the girls I spoke to are none of the above. Some were more sexually aware than many of the people I know that are having sex. Some were Christian (or some other religion) but say that their faith isn’t the only part that plays a role in their decision to wait. When it comes to the positives and negatives of staying a virgin, sophomore Mavis Saloman-Lowden said, “Some positives so far are that I don’t have to worry about pregnancies or STDs or even an unwanted emotional attachment to a boy. Some negatives are the constant jokes about being a little girl. To be truthful, I haven’t even kissed a boy and I’m in no rush. I am just trying to figure out my life. But that brings a lot of jokes too.”
Why should being a virgin mean that you’re a “little girl” or that something is wrong? Sex is a huge deal, especially your first time. I’m not saying that us girls need to wait for our “prince charming” or our future husband (because let’s be honest, it seems like they are stuck in some major traffic right now), but it’s my humble opinion that sex shouldn’t be shared with just anyone the first time around. According to Katie Leaman, a Pitt grad who waited until her wedding night to have sex at the age of 23, “Sex is weird, it’s awkward and funny, and often uncomfortable but wonderful all at the same time and I can’t imagine having that experience with someone I didn’t have a strong commitment to.”
So sex is all those things we want it to be and so much more (both good and somewhat weird). I know so many girls who have succumbed to pressure to have sex and to “just get it over with.” Is that how it should be? Should we have this “get it over with” mentality about something that has the potential to be so special for us? Of course not! Your first time will stick with you forever. It’s a memory that you want to be able to look back on and have good memories surrounding it. If that’s waiting until marriage, until you meet the right person, or even just a spontaneous action with someone, it has to be special for you. The worst feeling is looking back on something and being disappointed in yourself for not doing what’s best for you. So for all you virgins out there who think that being a virgin is something you have to be ashamed of, or something that you have to hide and shy away from, DON’T! Since when has being a virgin at 20 or 21 (or whatever age!) become a bad thing?! Since when have the girls on “Teen Mom” or “The Real World” become people that we compare ourselves to?
For me, remaining a virgin during college was a somewhat conscious decision. My mom and I have always been super close, especially when it came to discussing sex (she’s even read my female masturbation article haha!). If I couldn’t tell my mom that I had had sex, then to me that meant that I obviously wasn’t ready and that sex isn’t something that I should be thinking about right now. So that goes for everyone: If you can’t be honest with yourself or those closest to you about having sex, then maybe you ought to wait. We all feel the pressure, from our friends, from society, from mainstream media. But you know what, it’s not them who will have to deal with the sometimes awkward, uncomfortable, or amazing situation! It’s you! You will be the one that will have to deal with the consequences (or the benefits depending on your experience), not them. Take it from a woman who waited, Katie, “There were all kinds of positives! I loved not having to worry about being physical with men that I might have been dating – they knew where I stood so there was never a question of “will it go there” because the answer was always no. I didn’t have to worry about what men thought of my body, because until some guy was my husband, he wasn’t going to see it. It’s also incredibly rewarding to decide you’re going to do something and then stick to it – especially for reasons that are really important or meaningful to you. Another positive was, when I started dating my husband, we were able to get to know each other in all kinds of different ways other than the physical because that really wasn’t a priority for us, which I think made for a deeper relationship.”
For those of you who have already had sex and wasn’t quite happy with yourself after, trust Katie (and me!), when she says “if you have had sex and you think it’s too late to start over, it’s not. Forgiveness and honesty are powerful things.” To me, it’s not forgiveness in a spiritual way. It’s forgiving yourself for not putting you first. You have the power to start over if you want to. If you’ve had sex and want it to be more special, then there’s nothing stopping you from achieving what will make you happy. That goes for the reverse as well. If you are having sex because it makes you happy and you feel no regret, then all the power to ya! Sex is what you make it. If you want it to be special, you make it that way and you wait for someone who’s going to make it all the better. If you like wild spontaneous sex and hooking up, that’s great for you!
Sex is something that means different things to different people. So if you’re unsure of where your potential partner stands in regards to sex, please TALK ABOUT IT FIRST. There have been so many times when one of my friends has been upset because someone never called, or there was no relationship, or anything for that matter, afterward. If a guy tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship with you but just wants to keep things casual, he means it! Don’t think that sex will change everything. Sometimes for some people, sex is JUST sex.
So ladies (and gents) don’t settle for something that won’t make you so happy in the morning. Sex is a great thing that you don’t want to just give to anyone. Being a virgin doesn’t make you weird, naïve, innocent, or any other demeaning adjective. It makes you different, brave, and focused! If people want to talk about you and call you names for being a virgin, let them talk. Trust me you’d rather them talk about you being a virgin then being sexually promiscuous. And for those of you who don’t think virgins exist in college anymore, I’m here basically shouting at you: WE EXIST!! But to everyone, embrace your sexuality. If you’re comfortable with who you are and are true to what you believe in, then other people’s opinions on YOUR sexuality won’t matter in the slightest!
Until next time my lovelies,
Nahja xxx