In the past few months I’ve found myself retreating into my inner old person. The weather is cold, I’m tired 24/7 and my old aching bones hurt all the time. You probably also feel my pain, so here’s a list of ways you can tell you’re an old person trapped in a young person’s body.
Every time you move, something in your body cracks
There’s not a single day that goes by where my back/neck/entire body doesn’t hurt. In my old age, I have to crack pretty much every joint I can to even feel like a functioning person, and when I stretch in the morning you would think that every bone in my body is breaking.
Gifts that used to be boring are now your favorites
Candles? Sweaters? Socks?? Those are literally my favorite things and my inner grandma is rejoicing.
You forget why you enter a room as soon as you enter it
You go to your bedroom to grab your phone charger but walk back into your living room with your computer, a book, snacks and like six other things that aren’t your phone charger. And you do this all. The. Time.
Tea and other warm drinks are basically the only thing keeping you together
I don’t think I could function without caffeine, and 20 degree temperatures are not really the weather to bring an iced coffee outside. The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is the thought of hot tea/coffee.
You complain about the room temperature…
This semester I tried to strategize my seating in class. I get cold easily so I wanted to sit next to the radiator, completely forgetting that the radiators are almost ALWAYS next to super drafty windows. Now I shiver through pretty much every class, even when I’m wearing layers – but at least the radiator keeps my legs warm!
…and complain about noise
I’m pretty sure my upstairs neighbors move around furniture all night, while my next-door neighbors party most days of the week. My roommates and I complain about this to no end, but we also usually end up singing along to whatever song is being played next door.
Phone updates are so confusing
I get so confused whenever a new software update comes out. It took me over a week to figure out how to use my phone after the whole swipe-to-unlock function was taken away. The screen just lights up when I lift it? I press the home button to unlock?? It was such a tough adjustment.
You look at high school age kids and think something along the lines of, “Wow, look at those youngsters, being annoying and having all that fun.”
Whenever I see teenagers out with their friends I feel a little nostalgic, but usually I just feel annoyed. They can be so obnoxious! So loud! So oblivious!
Side note: I’m also jealous because they can jump on trampolines, and I can’t do that anymore without my entire body hurting. I’m actually a grandma.
Crafts and baking make you so happy
I spend more time than I’d like to admit procrastinating on Pinterest and looking up cute crafts to make and recipes to bake. My favorite nights are ones when I can paint and hang out with my roommates, and I’m my happiest self when I’m home, in my sweatpants and baking something.
It’s getting significantly harder for you to muster up the energy to go out
“Yeah sure, I’d love to come, but home is warm, and my bed is warm, but the outside? No the outside is not warm I think I’ll just stay in”
Warm, baggy sweaters give you life
I need to layer basically everything I wear with either a sweater, sweatshirt or flannel, and I don’t think I could live without my collection of grandma sweaters. They’re just so warm!
You change into pajamas as soon as you get home
On most days, it takes me less than five minutes after coming home to change into sweatpants, a T-shirt and fuzzy socks and crawl into bed to watch some Netflix.
Naps have become a critical part of my existence. If I have the opportunity to nap, I definitely won’t turn it down.
The only thing keeping you from being a crazy cat lady is your University’s No Pet Policy
I JUST REALLY LOVE FURRY ANIMALS AND I WANT TO OWN ALL OF THEM. If Pitt and my housing contract didn’t prevent me from having pets, I’m pretty sure I’d have pets that are fuzzier than just my fish.
If you can relate to any of these, congratulations! You’re just an old person trapped in a young person’s body! Embrace it and keep wearing those baggy sweaters!