Calling all my single ladies! No, this is not the time to throw your hands in the air Beyonce style. We need to have a serious talk. Yes you, with your cut off jean shorts and your UGG boots; and you there, with your wire-rimmed glasses and your oversized sweatshirt. How many times have you felt content with being single until you see two people going at it in the Quad? How many times have you hooked up with or talked to a guy, thinking that he could be “the one,” only to find out that he is just a jerk? How many hours have you spent “grooming” the best friend, the cute frat guy from a party, or the nice guy you met in one of your classes to become the “perfect guy,” only to become dangerously aware that they have no intention of settling down anytime soon?
Okay, let’s be honest with ourselves here. Many women feel this incessant need to be in a relationship, but only when it suits them. For some reason, there seems to be a correlation between colder weather and the single-lady blues. Singles become suddenly depressed that they don’t have anyone to cuddle with. This is partly the result of direct or indirect pressure from friends or family members. Maybe friends set you up on blind dates or group gatherings that somehow result in you and some random person talking to each other in a room by yourselves.
On the other hand, you could have Aunt Connie asking you if you have a boyfriend during Christmas dinner, only for you to reply that you are still single, thus leading to uncomfortable silence around the dinner table. None of these pressures are great for anyone’s self-esteem. We should be happy we are single. No more shaving legs before dates, or worrying about when Aunt Flow is supposed to visit so that we can plan accordingly.
Now, let’s break down the most common single gal complaints:
1. “I need a boyfriend to keep me warm.”
What you need is a Snuggie. They only cost about $15 and they come in an assortment of cool colors. They also don’t reek of sweat and testosterone, or try to feel you up while you’re watching a movie.
2. “I want someone to snuggle with.”
The answer is simple: it’s called a body pillow. It’s just firm enough that it feels like you are cuddling with an actual body, yet soft enough to cuddle with.
3. “I need a guy’s opinion.”
That’s what guy friends are for. They are there to listen and talk to you without any hidden agenda… Well there could be a hidden agenda, but that’s not your concern. The point is, your best guy friend probably knows you better than you think he does (even if he does have a crush on you), so he could probably provide better feedback for your problems.
4. “I want someone to buy me stuff.”
Give me an “I.” Give me an “N.” Give me a “D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-C-E”. What’s that spell? Independence! Ladies, come on now. If you want a boyfriend just so he can buy you stuff, you are clearly not ready for a real relationship. A boyfriend is more than just a credit card. If there is something that you really want, just get it for yourself. That way you don’t have to worry about someone buying you the wrong thing, or getting it in the wrong color or size. Being independent saves time, effort, and a lot of frustration on your part.
If you are newly out of a relationship and are contemplating getting back with your ex just so you can have someone, let me help you remember why you made the choice to be single in the first place:
· You grew apart. Not enough time has passed for you guys to grow together again.
· He never put down the toilet seat and you fell in one night.
· He never listens to you, even though he swears up and down that he wants to hear all about your day.
· His nasty toes make you want to curl up in a corner on the other side of the room.
· He insists that it is his business to know where you are every minute of every day.
· He talks too much, or too little.
· He drools like a hound dog whenever there is another female around.
· He humps anything with two legs.
· Oh yeah, and he slept with your best friend/sister/cousin.
Remember sweetie, he’s an EX for a reason.
Sometimes it’s best to let nature run its course. If you end up with a boyfriend, that’s great; but don’t force yourself to be in a relationship just to be in one. Having a boyfriend is a lot like taking care of a puppy. Think about it. You have to take them out, give them food, and show them lots of attention and affection or else they’ll just pee all over your floor. Now, do you really want to take care of a puppy when you have a full course load, extra-curricular activities, and other little odds and ends going on in your life? You don’t need someone holding you back.
So before you pull out a carton of Chunky Monkey and drown your sorrows in a Rom-Com while you wish your life were a Kate Hudson Movie, remember the words of the Pussycat Dolls:
“I don’t need a man to make it happen, I get off being free.
I don’t need a man to make me feel good, I get off doing my thing…”