My roommate Jen has coined the term “friend competitive.” We discuss this topic for hours on end, but I have recently realized that it seems to be a feeling almost exclusive to women (Maybe the boys just don’t want to admit it…). Being friend competitive means getting a little (or a whole lot) jealous when you meet your best friend’s other friend(s). You get that “she’s mine, back off” feeling and find it necessary to make them realize that the two of you are better friends than they are. My roommate says it happens to the best of us.
It happens most often when you go off to college. The friend you have been closest with, sometimes for most of your life, is all of a sudden moving away and making completely new groups of friends. These people seem to have become her best friends within weeks of meeting. When you come home for Thanksgiving break, all you hear about are her new friends and the awesome sh*t they have been doing. Understandably, you get a little jealous. You think, “Oh, so you don’t need me anymore? Yeah, your new friends are so hilarious. No, I don’t care.”
When my best friend from high school went to John Carroll in Cleveland and I went to Pitt, I thought it might be easier for me to make friends since I was going to a much larger school than she was. I neglected the fact that I am not especially good at making friends. Everyone finds their niche in college, right?
The first week after arriving at Pitt was one of the most pathetic weeks of my life. I broke up with my high school boyfriend; I was too scared to go eat at Market Central by myself, so I was quickly becoming malnourished; and despite living in Holland, the only dorm that is literally full of potential lady-friends, I could not make one new friend.
My best friend, on the other hand, seemed to be assimilating into her campus culture with ease. She found her group of friends within the first week and everything was going great. I wanted to be happy for her, but I was turning green with envy. All I heard about was, “Tina is so funny; she’s like my best friend.” Hearing this while in such a vulnerable state was not helping the intense competition I felt against this girl I had never met, although I heard so much about her.
Instead of sucking it up and getting over myself being friend competitive, I avoided her. I couldn’t take hearing about how my best friend had a new-and-improved best friend. I felt jealous and excluded.
Eventually, I went to visit her and I was going to meet all of these people who I felt were stealing her from me. And, of course, they were awesome. I wanted to hate them so badly; I wanted to show them that Dana was mine and we were the best of friends. “Oh, you think you guys are friends? Watch this; we are going to shock you with friend cuteness.”
Once I got over my psychotic protectiveness, I completely understood why she got along with them so well. I was still a little jealous because I hadn’t made a good group of friends yet, but I could now feel happy for her. I no longer felt like I was competing for her friendship.
Note: Friend competitions don’t usually end so well. What do you do when you meet her new friends and they are complete jerks? Or they show no desire to be friendly towards you? It’s difficult to not feel abandoned or get defensive when her new group seems bent on excluding you.
First off, this new friend group probably isn’t doing this on purpose. They may just not know how to approach you because of your blinding beauty, they could be shy, or they might need some time to get used to you. I don’t really know since I’m too impatient to wait around for that, but don’t run away! That is usually what I end up doing, and it isn’t worth ruining a friendship to save your pride. Believe me.
Secondly, they might just be assholes. Yes, your best friend has new friends and they are complete assholes. Deal with it. There must be some reason she enjoys their company, so be empathetic and give these guys a chance.
Third, lastly, and most importantly: they are probably feeling the exact same way you are. You have become the intruder in their territory, and they aren’t sure how to deal with it. They are being friend competitive back to your friend competitiveness. Stop fighting over your shared best friend like a piece of meat. Someone needs to call a truce and wave the white flag, so suck it up and do it yourself. Make it clear to this new friend that you aren’t trying to ruin their friendship and that you can all become friends. Just do it! It will save you a lot of fights and anguish.
So rather than sulking and feeling sorry for yourself like I did, give in and make friends with these people. Don’t be fake friends – it does not work. Truly put some effort into figuring out why your best friend has become so close with them; you’ll probably end up liking them too. There’s no reason we can’t all be friends. So let’s stop fighting over each other and be friends, damn it.
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