Though the trees remain deceptively covered in green leaves, Pennsylvania residents should be aware that due to the recent dip in temperatures, the season of fall has been officially cancelled and the current month is henceforth December, as per a recent mandate from the State Senate. “I’ve never felt anything like it in my 52 years. It was clear that action had to be taken,” said one representative. According to a statement released by the governor’s office on Sunday, the Senate consulted several meteorologists before making their decision. To sum up their extensive scientific reasoning, a calendar change is necessary because the current weather patterns indicate that the cold is here to stay. This can mean only one thing: the most wonderful time of the year has come early. That’s right—it’s time to trade in pumpkin spice for peppermint, crank up the Mariah Carey jams and practice your, “Wow, I love this gift!” face just in time for Christmas!
This coming Thursday, previously designated as October 25th, is now slotted as the formally recognized day of celebration for everyone’s favorite holiday. Despite this seeming cause for joy, some are keenly disappointed and even angered at the premature end to fall, and refuse to join in the Christmas cheer. In particular, farmers and white millennial women have attempted to make their displeasure known and been mostly drowned out by the sounds of sub-zero wind and crowds stampeding to the nearest shopping mall. Some resorted to visual protest at an event in Pittsburgh on Monday night which included the ritual burning of the Bath & Body Works Autumn candle collection, baptisms in a tub filled with pumpkin spice latté, and the donning of jack-o-lantern masks. Most citizens are simply confused by the abrupt change, and frantically attempting to prepare for a holiday which they had mistakenly thought was still two months away. However, their negative feelings are not shared by all. “This is the best year ever!” seems to be the consensus among young children eager for the arrival of Santa, University students saved from their finals and corporate CEOs. Alas, no comments were able to be safely obtained from retail workers.
It remains to be decided whether the cancellation of fall will be a permanent change to Pennsylvanian’s calendars or solely an oddity of 2018. Rumor has it that the issue will be up for debate among candidates in the now-January midterm elections, allowing Pennsylvania voters to make the choice. If the outcome is the latter, Pennsylvanians will be forced to repeat the month of January until the rest of America catches up. Whichever option prevails, don’t be a Grinch! Pull on your winter coat and head outside to enjoy the sight of snow falling on beds of half-dead summer flowers, or take a road trip across state lines to experience the wonder of 35-degree October! Just don’t forget to turn on your radio and allow Michael Bublé to serenade you on your way there.