Relationships aren’t easy for even the happiest of couples, but they’re especially hard when the person you love doesn’t treat you the way you’re supposed to be treated. I’m not talking about a healthy disagreement, either. I’m talking about emotionally draining relationships – the kind that force you to cry yourself to sleep or, sadly, to feel badly about yourself.
As an outsider, these relationships are easy to spot. We’ve seen enough Sam and Ronnie fights to know that when a guy treats you like poop, you leave that relationship. That’s what we’ve all screamed at our TVs during the Jersey Shore, anyway. But sometimes you’ll have a close friend or family member that no matter what you say, how much they cry or ask for the same advice over and over, they won’t leave their significant other.
I bet you’re thinking of this person in your head right now; and I’m almost positive that no matter what gems of advice and coaching you give this friend, she won’t leave her horrible relationship. But I’m here to tell you that the obvious “you should leave him” isn’t always going to do that job. It doesn’t mean your friend is stupid or naïve. It just means that she’s having trouble letting go of something she’s invested in.
I should know. I used to be that girl.
Thinking back on it, it would be an understatement to say that I feel terrible for not listening to my friends’ advice. At the time, I understood that they wanted me to be happy (and with my ex, I definitely was NOT happy), but I didn’t think they could possibly fathom the pain I’d go through by breaking up with him. What I didn’t realize is that they could see what I couldn’t. And that was happiness later down the road and that I deserved much, much better. Great advice but, unfortunately, easier said than done.
Now the tables have flipped and I’m the friend and family member advising the painfully unadvisable. And, boy, is it frustrating. However, I’m here to give you the inside scoop on how to deal with a friend that’s attached to a not-so-nice guy.
Do let her talk.
Sometimes, all someone needs is an ear to listen. If they get all their feelings out on the table, they’ll be able to feel better. If you try to give her advice before she’s able to cry it out or explain the situation, she won’t think you’re listening and she’ll feel alone. Being her listener allows her to feel like she has someone to turn to and builds her trust.
Do be honest, but understanding.
If your friend is in obvious emotional pain, it’s okay to be honest with her. Pretending like her hurtful boyfriend “is going to be okay” or “I’m sure he didn’t mean it” only makes it seem like she should stay. In a sense, you’re justifying his behavior for him, and it does not call for justifying. It’s okay to say something like, “I know this hurts, but if you keep letting this go on, you might get more hurt.” At the same time, assure her that you aren’t judging her for sticking around. Make her feel confident by telling her that it’s hard for lots of people, but many others were capable of being strong, and she can be, too.
Do offer help.
Ask if you can be her “call buddy” for her to call instead of the guy. Or suggest taking her to counseling or coming over when she’s alone so she’s not tempted to call him if she called it quits. This doesn’t mean she needs a babysitter, but if you notice she’s sad, it won’t hurt to try to cheer her up. You’d be amazed how a simple smile could lift someone’s day.
Don’t encourage relapse.
I say relapse because trying to get over someone is very similar to an addiction. If an alcoholic were trying to stop drinking, a good friend wouldn’t offer them alcohol. The same goes for friends who need help staying clear of a hostile relationship. Helping her “stalk” him on Facebook or telling her about the girl you saw him hook up with last night won’t help her build confidence.
Don’t tell her to “get over it already.”
This will not work. No one can just get over anything. When someone is emotionally involved, it takes time. And although the cycle can be frustrating, you shouldn’t demean her.
Do let her learn life’s hard lessons on her own. Don’t judge her if she fails.
The sad truth is, that there’s no guarantee she’ll listen to you at all. She may stay with the guy or leave and get back together 100 times over. Understand that you’re not a bad friend; it’s just that sometimes people can’t truly move on until they’ve grown tired of the situation on their own. And she probably will fail. But don’t get mad at her and don’t judge her. Just be encouraging and honest. Sometimes she might not like the honesty, but it’s the best thing you can do. If you suspect the relationship is detrimental to your friend’s well being or her life is threatened, it’s your discretion as a friend to take action and notify a counselor or someone she trusts.
It won’t be easy helping a friend who’s muddling through a tolling relationship. But if you keep these tips in mind, you’ll be the best support she could ask for.