As the historical Pitt/Penn State game on September 10th rapidly approaches, let’s turn our attention to some sports commentary that truly affects us all: the tailgate. How are you going to plan your attack this Saturday? Monitor your hydration levels? How much protein* (*hot dogs grilled on the back of a beautiful Ford F150) is too much protein? The most important tailgating factor of all, though, is about who you will encounter out there on the field, so here is a step-by-step guide to who you’re up against this Saturday.
1. The Out of Towners
Students from all over are coming to this game to relish in the Pitt/Penn State rivalry. The University of Pittsburgh even has extra buses transporting branch campus students to the game. These people may seem like regular tailgaters, but avoid them! They do not care about this land (Pittsburgh) like us. And will most likely destroy it (litter in the lot).
2. The Die-Hard
What don’t they sell in blue and gold? This man or woman definitely has a foam finger and a very loving family that buys them too much Pitt paraphernalia for Christmas. Every. Year. Trust them because they most likely will share their golden shot ski.
3. The Ticket Loser
“I just didn’t have the money” or “He decided to take his girlfriend,” will most likely be coming out of this person’s mouth at some point. They just can’t believe they are outside the game- and it’s ruining their time (and potentially your’s). Better do a run around on this one.
4. Frat^4
“I’m sorry, which one are you again? Oh, right. The one with the pink khakis.” These guys have taken the Rush season seriously and decided to advertise their fraternity on game day. With all of them wearing the same shirt and different khakis, it can be disorienting. Don’t get sucked into their tailgate too early or you won’t leave.
5. The Goner
This poor student. They’re missing the whole experience- I bet they didn’t read this guide beforehand. This person has been drinking since 7 a.m. and passed out since 8 a.m. Luckily, they have good friends looking out for them and potentially drawing things on their face. Just don’t stare too long at this one. Its rude.
6. The Rally
When will it end? This person’s super human ability to keep the tailgate going is inspiring, while also somewhat frightening. When it gets to 4 p.m., back away from them, before you end up like #5.
7. The First Timer
“Oh, you say your mom got you those Pitt earrings? Cute.” This tailgater has no idea that they are about to lose one those earrings while swaying to Sweet Caroline in a huge crowd. Look at them and remember being an underclassman with fondness.
8. The People Only there for The Tailgate
Some people have no love of the game, but only love for the fun around it. Avoid these people. They are out to have a better time than you and they will succeed, whether that means puking on you or not.
If you follow these steadfast rules on how to deal with other “players” this Saturday, you should be fine (unless you are #5, in which case we cannot help you). Tailgating just might be the most American thing ever, so kickback, open a bag of weenies and if your mom asks why you didn’t pick up your phone for 12 hours, tell her you were doing your patriotic duty.
