After recognizing your LGBTQ identity, there are a lot of “firsts” that define your entering into the culture.
1. The first time you come out to yourself: For a lot of LGBTQ people, our gender or sexual identity is something we sort of see out of the corner of our eye for a while before actually addressing it. We are raised to believe we are straight in a giant culture of heteronormativity so anything that tells us otherwise is a small voice of doubt. Once we start listening to that voice, there is a moment in which we say, “Well, yeah. I think this is how I am.” Without this realization, there is no identity. If you are not out to yourself, it feels like you are looking for something and can’t find it.
2. The first person you come out to: This might be to your mom, your best friend, or your dog; and might be the first time you ever say it out loud. “I’m queer.” “I’m not straight.” “I’m a boy.” It can range from relieving, to embarrassing, to dangerous but, regardless, it is always a big deal. Often you remember who it was that you first came out to for the rest of your life and it is certainly a story you tell over and over again.
3. Your first time at a gay bar: Even if you aren’t the “G” in LGBTQ, it is still quite an experience to go to a gay bar for the first time. It is nice to sit in a place where, not only are you welcome, but you are the norm.
4. Your first “othering”: It doesn’t matter if you live in Manhattan or Alabama, you will feel like the “other” from time to time as a queer person. It is not the slurs and homophobes that really are evidence of a culture in which we aren’t the norms, it’s the little things that people from outside the community say that are ill informed, tokenizing, or that just make you feel like a deviant than just a minority.
An example of this difference is the string you feel from slurs thrown by strangers and the feeling of being on the outside looking in when someone asks you things like “do you have a boyfriend?” or mis-gendering: calling you “he” when you are “she.” “Othering” is a way we unconsciously are told that the world is not for us: that there are normal people and then there is us. And you won’t get used to it.
5. Your first LGBTQ friend: Whether you met in the theatre department or were just attracted to their dyed hair, you two were instantly buds. For a while all you talked about was LGBTQ stuff, like coming out, going out, dating, representation in media. Eventually, they become a general-category friend and you two just meet up to watch movies (and go to gay bars).
6. Your first community: This is often the most important. It’s tough to be an LGBTQ person without linking up with other LGBTQ people to talk, party, or date. When we move to new places, sometimes this is the first thing we look for, so your first one is certainly memorable. This can be a high school GSA, a drag family, a university LGBTQ group, or, very likely a dating web you got tangled in. No matter what face your community takes, these are the people that shape your life.