Getting older. Something I looked forward to every year on my birthday. There’s this particular rush that comes with the idea of getting older and being able to do more. When I was 13, it was the idea of finally being a teenager. Then I was 16, celebrating my sweet sixteen and being a woman. Then it was 18 and 21, the year of me being an adult and being able to drink legally. Now, here I am, about two months shy of being 22 years old, in my final year of college, and wishing I could be a kid forever.
Going into college, I was always told that the next four years would go by in a heartbeat, but I never fully believed it until now. One second, I’m given my schedule for my freshman fall semester, and the next, I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life after graduation. This sudden combination of excitement and fear comes with knowing that once I graduate, that’s it; it’s time to grow up. College prepares you for so much, but one thing it doesn’t prepare you for is the real world’s uncertainty.
Should I go to grad school? Should I travel the world? Move out of my family home? On the one hand, being the first in my family to go to grad school would be a lovely idea, but on the other hand, do I really want to spend more time in school? I don’t know. Traveling the world has always been a dream of mine, but if I travel, I won’t have time to find a full-time job to kick-start my career. Most of my friends have already moved out of their family homes, and I feel like I’m behind in that sense, so maybe that’s the best option, but I can’t move out unless I have a job that’s paying me enough, which means I shouldn’t travel because if I’m not going to graduate school, then that means it’s time to have my stuff figured out so I can have a real job.
For the longest time, I’ve had these high expectations for myself for when I finally graduate, some of which weren’t even remotely capable of being done, and I think it’s time for me to accept that. I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect and prepared constantly, which has caused me so much stress. I have so much I want to do and accomplish, but I must remind myself that everyone does things at their own pace. Like, come on, I’m only 21.
I thought I would have everything figured out once I graduate, but I have learned that it is a big fat lie. No one knows anything, even those who seem like they do, and that’s okay. It’s okay to take one step at a time and figure it out as we go. Graduating is the next step in my life, and I’m becoming okay with not knowing what comes with the step after that.