Last Sunday morning I found myself lying face-down on my friend’s porch ready to scream. Weird, but it made sense: I was with three of my best girlfriends and we were talking (ahem, complaining) about, what else? Boys. While I listened to my friends go back and forth about their defeats in the dating world, I thought about this one line from a song that has become all-too-relevant in our lives:
“…this is exhausting”
I’m not a huge fan of Taylor Swift’s half sung/half spoken hit “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” but I can appreciate and relate to her frustration. Dating IS exhausting. Too many of us spend too much time thinking about, re-thinking, and regretting the decisions we’ve made in the name of desire.
We are stressing ourselves out.
Continuing to make decisions that we roll our eyes at later is unproductive. Take a moment to remind yourself (and your girlfriends) that it is possible to be happy alone. Just you. Really, you can, and it’s time that you start pursuing a relationship…with yourself.
Sometimes taking a step back and discovering what it is you wish for (in and out of a relationship) will not only ease your worries but give you a new perspective. You can amplify the voice of your inner self and maybe start trusting those gut-feelings you get by taking time to breathe, be a little selfish, and explore.
Breathe- At one point it might seem like everyone else in the world is content with their love life. Remind yourself that relationships are unique to their owners. Breathe in and take comfort in the fact that your struggle is shared by others. Many people make college relationships work and many don’t. It’s not just you that may feel alone or hopeless. Breathe in and tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with being single in college; many people actually PREFER it. When you’re exhausted and you’ve fallen on your face (figuratively and sometimes literally) pick yourself up, and move on. You owe it to yourself.
Be selfish- You NEED to put yourself first. We are close to entering what my one male friend refers to as “The Sex and the City years” (a surprisingly insightful observation). This doesn’t mean disregarding everyone else’s emotions, but rather prioritizing. Before you know it, you will find yourself working and paying off loans, all while trying to find someone to spend your spare time with. Before letting someone in, know yourself: your goals, your frustrations, your priorities, etc. Your time is important at this age. Don’t let other people waste it.
Explore- Keep an open mind and heart while finding yourself; you may dig up things about yourself that have never been recognized. Stepping out of your comfort zone is vital. For some people, that means taking a break from the comfort of a relationship. For others, it’s as simple as wearing those shoes that have been hiding in your closet since last Fall. Don’t let insecurity or fear keep you from trying something new. Chat with the cute Australian exchange student in class, order a new drink at the library café, go on a date with someone totally wrong for you. Let go of the comfortable. Maybe there’s some insight behind the phrase “YOLO”.
Self-discovery requires discomfort, awkward encounters, and a lot of confusion. Many struggle to recognize what their needs in a relationship are or if they even want to commit in the first place. A partnership might sound perfect, but the timing might be off or the other person might be hesitant to start one. You might want to be single, go out with girlfriends, and have someone perfect right beside you.
Instead of angst-ing over exes and would-have-been’s, pursue a relationship with yourself…I’ll be wishing you luck along the way!