So I’ve been friends with benefits with this guy for about two years, sporadically, and we’ve done everything but have sex. I’m still a virgin and there’s no specific reason why except the fact that I just haven’t found someone yet who I feel is significant enough to give it up to. The problem is that I’m kind of at a crossroads with my friend. Now that I am away at college and he still lives in Syracuse (where I’m from), we’re an hour apart so we haven’t seen each other a lot. Not only is the distance an obstacle, but I’m very preoccupied currently here with school, work, clubs and my social life to be stressed over someone I don’t even have feelings for.
The other problem is that I’m territorial over things that aren’t even mine. I’m territorial over people that I don’t even want to date. He’s not my boyfriend and I don’t want him to be, but if I heard that heard he was sleeping with another girl, it would make my stomach drop. I think it’s just that we’ve been doing this for so long that a part of him feels like mine. He has every right considering we are just friends, but at the same time, we are a bit more.
I’ve definitely considered having sex with him because ultimately I am comfortable with him, we are good friends, and I know he isn’t a man whore. I almost feel guilty in a way for not wanting him to reach out to other girls because after all, he has been patient and respectful these whole two years and I’m not even there now.
I tend to lead guys on even when I know we don’t connect on an emotional level and I think it’s because I just like the attention. I like feeling like there’s someone out there who wants me and I can’t seem to let them go even if I know I don’t feel the same way. I hold on, waiting to feel something that’s never going to come. Maybe that’s why I still want to keep this friends with benefits thing going because I just like having someone always there without a full on relationship. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but I just needed to get my thoughts out there. I’ve decided I’m just going with the flow from now on and whatever happens, happens.