Content Warning for discussions of transphobia/homophobia
I’ve known I was queer, both in my gender and sexuality, since I was 10 years old. I knew I loved my best friend and that I wasn’t a girl. These were facts to me, nothing to be disputed or discussed. Ten years later, the only thing that has changed is how people view me for parts of my identity I cannot control.
I’ve tried coming out multiple times in the last 10 years. The first that I can recall was when I came home from my first (and only) Pride Parade. My mom and I had a brief exchange about how hot it was, if I enjoyed myself, and the usual stuff you talk about after a long day out. I briefly mentioned that I thought I was bi, and she hopped over that conversation onto another one. Oh well.
My grandma and I had a brief conversation one time with her asking if I was gay, and I said a quick yes. She said she’d love me no matter what, and it was the most support I had received from a family member at the time.
Years passed. I’ve come out to my family multiple times as queer, and it was similar responses each time. Brushing past it, saying it was fine as long as I didn’t shove it in their faces, that it didn’t impact their view of me, but I had never felt safe bringing my partners around. I wouldn’t tell my mother until months after I started dating someone and that’s still how it goes now.
As for being nonbinary, I kept it to myself until a month or two ago. I got sick of being misgendered and decided to come out on Facebook as someone who uses they/them pronouns, and the reaction was… not worse, but not better, either. A lot of people supported me and told me how proud they were of me, but some of the most important people ignored it. I’m still the daughter, the woman, the beautiful girl they saw grow up.
I know I should be grateful for the indifference rather than being shunned, but it f*cking hurts. To have my identity pushed to the side by people who are my blood family? It’s like I can’t be myself around them. Acceptance of self can only go so far when the people you grew up with don’t truly embrace who you are.