Do you have a habit of anxiously clutching your phone at all times, waiting for a call or text from your man, or do you prefer to keep him at arm’s length, avoiding sleepovers or long days together in favor of “me” time? Maybe you do neither of these things – or maybe you do both. What it all boils down to is attachment style: how you behave in intimate relationships. Attachment theory, a concept pioneered by Dr. John Bowlby, originated as an exploration and explanation as to how our relationship with our primary caregiver impacts the way we bond with others.
In more recent years adult attachment theory has become a popular topic. It has grown to encompass not only the way that we were raised, but also the ways in which our history in intimate relationships can shape our attachment style. We are affected by more than just our parents: it is also what we learn in our early romantic relationships that leads to the development of our attachment style. Tough experiences – like abandonment, abuse, cheating, or even unrequited love – actually play a major role in how we behave in future relationships.
In many ways, actually, our attachment style is a survival tool to protect us against getting hurt. Understanding how you (and others) attach can be an awesome way to improve your dating life, because believe it or not, certain attachment styles are compatible while others are not. Imagine how much easier your love life would be if you knew how to weed out the men who are off limits! And, more importantly, identifying your attachment style will help you to understand you. So, let’s find out: are you anxious, avoidant, or secure? As I outline the characteristics of each type, ask yourself, “does this sound like me?”
Amy: Anxiously Attached
Amy craves intimacy. She loves having a partner and often finds that without one, she feels inadequate, lonely, or unhappy. Perhaps she feels all of the above. After only a short time with her new boyfriend Sam, Amy finds herself preoccupied with her relationship: she constantly worries that Sam might not care for her as much as she cares for him, so she spends much of her time watching for evidence that supports or refutes her hunch (does he call when he says he will? Is he being affectionate or withdrawn? Does he ask to spend time together?). Amy is hypervigilant in her relationship with Sam, and is overly sensitive to most of what he does and says – and even to what he doesn’t say. In order to feel secure in her relationship, Amy needs lots of reassurance, contact, and affection from Sam.
Alyssa: Avoidantly Attached
Often described as highly independent, Alyssa has a tendency to feel a little claustrophobic in relationships. She likes to date, but doesn’t like labels and often finds herself pulling away when potential partners get too close. Typically, Alyssa focuses on the flaws of the men she dates – citing numerous (and sometimes petty) reasons why he’s “not the right guy” for her. Even with people she really likes, she has a habit of sending mixed signals. She’ll avoid physical closeness, like PDA, sex, or sharing the same bed. Generally, much of her ambivalence is due to the fact that she’s been disappointed or hurt in the past and is now on the lookout for her ideal match – the perfect guy – and most of these jokers just aren’t making the cut.
Sarah: Securely Attached
Sarah has a history of long-term, committed relationships and has been with her current boyfriend Ethan for almost two years. She is comfortable with closeness (views physical and emotional intimacy as one) and does not question Ethan’s commitment to her. She is confident not only in who she is as a person, but also in her relationship with Ethan: she is loving and responsive to his needs and expects the same from him in return. When something goes awry in their relationship, she effectively communicates her feelings and needs in a positive and respectful way. If she is in the wrong, she is receptive to Ethan’s criticisms, and if he is in the wrong, she easily forgives him – after all, she knows that he has her best interest at heart.
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Chances are, one of these three types really resonates with you. That’s because the majority of the human population falls into one of those three categories! A significantly small minority, however, is classified as anxious-avoidant. If you found that you identify with both Amy and Alyssa, it’s possible that you fall into this rare attachment category, characterized by both a longing for and fear of intimacy. And, if that’s the case, I recommend that you explore both anxious and avoidant attachment styles to get a better understanding of how you work!
As far as dating goes, you might not be surprised to learn that avoiding people with a style incompatible with yours will do wonders for your love life, and it probably doesn’t take rocket science to figure out who needs to stay away from who! Because anxiously attached folks are calmed by partners who give them the love, attention, and reassurance that they crave while avoidants prefer partners who allow them some degree of autonomy, these two attachment styles are each other’s kryptonite. Anxious and avoidant types dating each other are recipes for disaster. Why? It doesn’t really matter where you pick up the cycle, but the natural tendency of an anxious type to crave intimacy causes avoidants to withdraw. Consequently, this withdrawal causes an anxious to act even more anxiously, which causes the avoidant to be even more unwilling to meet the needs of the anxious, and so on. Essentially, these two types drive each other’s attachment styles into high gear, which causes a cycle of unmet needs (for both parties) rather than creating a secure, functional relationship.
So, who should date who? Ultimately, people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles would benefit from dating someone who is secure. Secure individuals have a tendency to bring all types to a more secure state of mind, because they are flexible and able to work with less secure types. A secure person can make an anxious person more secure because he has no difficulty meeting his partner’s needs and making her feel loved and wanted. And he can make an avoidant person more secure because he doesn’t take boundaries personally. In a nutshell, the rule of thumb for dating according to your attachment style is this: if you are anxious, don’t date someone who is avoidant, and if you are avoidant, don’t date someone who is anxious. Everyone else is fair game!
Regardless of your attachment style, one important thing I’d like you to remember is that above all, you shouldn’t be afraid to be yourself. There is so much stigma surrounding anxious and avoidant types, which causes us to mask our true selves when we’re dating because we’re afraid of being labeled and judged. The anxious, who is often labeled as “clingy,” “needy,” or “crazy,” feels compelled to ‘play it cool’ with prospective partners because they are afraid of scaring them off. The avoidant, often dubbed the “player” with “commitment issues” tends to put up a loving, caring front at first and then eventually begins to withdraw.
Playing such games isn’t necessary, and it also isn’t productive: be who you are at the outset of each and every potential relationship. Pretending to be someone you aren’t is not just exhausting; it’s a waste of time for you and whomever you might be seeing, because eventually, your true colors are going to show. And for some lame reason, society has made that seem like a bad thing. We feel like we won’t be wanted if we share what we want in a relationship. Rather than masking your needs from someone new, express them – because the right person for you will be okay with meeting them, whether that means offering frequent reassurance or giving you a few nights a week to yourself! People of all attachment styles have a different set of needs, but ultimately, we all have them. Think of it this way: “people are only as needy as their unmet needs” (Levine & Heller, Attached.). Understanding and accepting your own needs and the needs of others according to attachment style can be an invaluable dating tool!
To learn more about attachment theory, check out these links:
Take The Test: What’s Your Attachment Style?
Attached. – A Book About Attachment
*This book is amazing, and was my primary source for this article. It also has a comprehensive questionnaire inside to help you determine your attachment style!