Dear Jessica,
I’m moving in with my boyfriend of 8 months this fall, and everyone’s really supportive except one of my friends, who thinks it’s the worst idea ever and will destroy our relationship. I’ve been confident in the decision before now and we’ve never even had a fight between us; should I be doubting myself? Should I be freaking out?
~ Second Thoughts, a senior at UO
Dear Second Thoughts,
I am curious as to what your friend’s arguments might be for why moving in together would “destroy” your relationship – that’s a pretty charged statement! While your friend may or may not have valid concerns, you already have two things that are very helpful contributors to successful cohabitation: a healthy relationship and support from most friends and family. Regardless of what your friend is saying, give yourself credit for that!
Now, as far as living together before marriage goes, I’m sure you’ve heard buzz about the idea that couples who live together before getting married usually break-up, get divorced, want to tear each other’s limbs off, etc. If that’s the case, then this little factoid should make you feel better: USA Today decided in 2010 – based on the evaluation of the federal National Survey of Family Growth – that cohabitation actually has little effect on marrital success! In a nutshell, this means that if you and your boyfriend decide to get married, the fact that you’ve lived together beforehand isn’t going to make you more prone to divorce.
That being said, a lot of people consider cohabitation prior to marriage to be a test-run; a set of training wheels that help you figure out whether or not your compatibility as a couple is strong enough to make a good marriage. It will challenge your patience and may even highlight your boyfriend’s flaws (maybe you’ll start noticing that he dumps wet towels on the floor and doesn’t sweep his stubble shavings out of the sink in the morning; maybe you’ll just get tired of having him in “your” space). This is why in some cases, living together can – as your friend says – “destroy” a relationship. I mean, think about it: it’s essentially going to make or break your future together.
Now it’s time to look at the positives. Here are my two cents: firstly, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your boyfriend. If it’s been smooth sailing until now, it’s only natural that you would find yourselves wanting to take the next step. Secondly, this can end one of two ways: you’ll either find living together to be a breeze, or you’ll want to pull out each other’s hair. But think of it this way: what’s the worst that could happen? Say you do break up; if your friend’s prediction comes true and it does ruin your relationship, then the two of you weren’t as compatible as you thought, and perhaps it’s better to find that out sooner rather than two kids and a divorce attorney later!
Clearly, you and your boyfriend have a solid relationship. If the only reason you are in doubt about your next step with him is because of your friend, I suggest that you stay confident in your decision and push his or her skepticism aside. Ultimately, this is your decision, and nobody has the right to make you doubt yourself if all other signs indicate that you’re making the right call. Living with your partner can be a very rewarding and life changing experience, and even if it doesn’t work out, it will at the very least be an invaluable learning experience. Don’t let your faith in your relationship waver because of one outsider’s perspective. You have every right to be excited about this. I wish you and your boyfriend the absolute best in your next chapter together!