Photo courtesy of PicJumbo
Last spring I made a decision that would alter the course of my life — I dropped out. I had been miserable my entire first semester of my freshman year. I’d survived several assaults, crippling mental health issues, loneliness, and the beginning of what would turn into an abusive intimate relationship.
For months, I could not understand why I was so unhappy at college: I’d made wonderful friends, was involved, and had a really sweet and friendly roommate — but I couldn’t figure out my purpose. I had no idea what I wanted to do or why I was even in college. I felt trapped. Then, in early Feb. 2017, I dropped out of school. I left behind my scholars program and leadership positions for an uncertain future, but it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.
Shortly after dropping out, I was offered a position as a zipline guide for the summer near Denali National Park in Healy, AK. My two best friends joined me in my adventure, and on April 3 we set out from Norman, OK to the last frontier. The road trip took two weeks and boy, it was challenging. We had car troubles, snuggled together for warmth in our camper in the Canadian spring snowstorms, and bickered like crazy because we were stuck in a car together for wayyy too long.
Eventually, however, the road trip felt less like a road trip and more like a pilgrimage. As we drove further away from the uncertainties and pain of my initial college experience, change was beginning. Driving for days on end on an empty highway, surrounded by crystal-blue lakes, untouched forests, and towering, snow-capped mountains began a transformation I would not notice until almost a year later.
My summer in Alaska presented many trials. I had to learn how to be tough when I made mistakes at work or guests on my tour proved difficult. Many male guest didn’t think I could do my job because I am female presenting, through the mental grit I obtained, I proved them wrong every time. Further, I had to learn how to be resourceful and smart with money because the nearest grocery store was a two hour drive away and I was living paycheck-to-paycheck. Until I dropped out, I had lived a very privileged life — I never knew what it meant to be hungry or watch my bank balance. It was scary, but it taught me to appreciate all my family had provided for me.
One of the hardest lessons, was to love myself and to ignore Western body standards as my muscles grew and my body became as big and strong as it’s ever been. Over the course of the summer, I gained 20 pounds. Initially, I was devastated, but a kind coworker took me aside one day and told me how absolutely beautiful and strong I had become throughout the summer — that the change of the number on the scale didn’t matter, the changes within my heart did.
Most importantly, I learned my purpose: creating a better world for younger generations to live in, whether that be through activism, writing, teaching, or all three. Sure, it’s going to take me an extra semester to graduate now, but the lessons I learned in my time off from school changed the course of my life. Now, instead of choosing my career on money or fame, I’m choosing a career that allows me to help as many people as possible.
Through distance, I gained perspective, and through perspective, I gained a life of joy, self acceptance, and purpose.