Losing A Best Friend

Something happened this past Monday that I honestly never expected - the death of my grandmother. She had gotten in a car accident in January and things started to go downhill from there pertaining to her health. It was not the issues from the car accident that caused her death, but what the doctors discovered about it while she was in the hospital. Now, I am very weird or different when it pertains to death. I don’t cry, I am not emotional, I am completely normal and sometimes even laugh. I have had a couple deaths from people who were close to me but nothing like the death of a close relative. 

When I received the news, I was sort of in denial. My grandmother was bouncing back and forth from being getting better to getting worse for a while. I was ignorant and always believed that my grandparents would never die. I thought they would be around for my whole life. The week before her death, she was getting better so it was sort of unexpected but not if that makes sense of her passing. I was sad when I received the news but not too upset because like I stated I was in denial. 

It was hard for me to wrap around my head that she was actually gone. I visited home on Monday night to see my family and I tried to lighten the mood and make everyone a little bit happier or at least get a smile on their face. I went back to school for a couple days and was completely fine. I went back home for the visitation and the funeral. The amount of love and support I received was shocking to me but I was/am forever grateful for those who reached out. I did not cry at the visitation even though everyone around me was. I went up to her casket and was in shock because it didn’t look like my grandmother. 

So, the day went on and I was fine. Friday came, which was the day of the funeral, and I woke up thinking I would be fine and if I did not cry at the viewing, I wouldn’t cry at the funeral. I got to the funeral home and was normal, sat with my cousins so the service could begin. I have never seen my grandfather cry before and that is when it hit me that she was gone. During the service I would look at her in the casket then look at the picture of her happy and smiling next to it. I do not think that my brain was comprehending that she was not going to be on Earth anymore. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. 

My grandmother was my best friend, the love of my life, I never wanted to do life without her. I couldn’t stop crying throughout the service and after. On the way to the mausoleum, I cried. I couldn’t even drive I was so shaken up. I cried there, I cried on the way back to school, I cried all night and into the weekend. I was never prepared for this. I think it is one thing to lose someone close to you but your best friend and grandparent? I would never want anyone else to experience the pain that we all went through. 

All I can say now is that life is weird for me. I still haven’t processed that when I call my grandparents, she won’t ever answer or that when I go home, I won’t see her. Death is the worst thing and my biggest fear. Since I am so weird about death, I wish I would’ve been taught how to grieve because I could not tell you what I am thinking or feeling right now besides describing it as “weird.” My advice for those who are close to someone is understand and look up ways to grieve and how to help yourself through this long process.