Grief in itself is a strange, never understood process. It can look like crying in the rain, seeing signs in sunsets, anger over the past and working through childhood traumas. For me, it has been all of these things and more.
Losing a parent at a young age is a very confusing and traumatic process to work through, especially when you and that parent already had a difficult and strained relationship.
My parents divorced when I was 15, but it had been a long time coming. My dad was never emotionally present. He was there, physically, but his presence made me nervous so I chose to not linger when he was in the room. He struggled with alcoholism and addiction throughout my life, and I grew up thinking things that were not normal, were. Friends couldn’t come over when he was home, my mom never allowed me to mention boys when he was around and things were quiet when he was home from work trips. He struggled with diagnosed, but unmedicated, mental health problems, and I knew he, at times, was unfaithful to my mom. But, no matter what he did, no matter how angry I was at him and his behavior, my mom always reminded me “that is your dad. You are always a part of him just as much as you are a part of me.” A lot of my life, I always wondered how I would feel if something bad happened to him, and I think a part of me always knew that he wouldn’t be around for my wedding or to meet his grandchildren in the future. I am an only child, so working through some of these feelings by myself, not knowing anyone who knew exactly what it was like, was really hard growing up. I knew he was reckless and impulsive, but I always thought that deep down, something would change.
Nothing did. It was a random Thursday afternoon in June 2020 when my mom sent an eerie text telling me not to leave for work that night. I went through all of the things I could have possibly done that week to get myself in trouble, and even jokingly texted my boyfriend that “someone has to be dead.” When my mom broke the news, the first words from my mouth were, “he is so stupid, what did he do?”
The weeks and months following were a blur. I was 18 and had to understand financial and legal situations I was now responsible for due to his death. While these things may have been an inconvenience, my confusing and conflicting emotions were the most dragging parts of it all. I was angry at him for not getting it together like I had. I was angry because I deserved better. I had accomplished so much, been a model child growing up, and I still wasn’t good enough to be good for?
At his service, when his drinking buddies and longtime coworkers apologized to me for my loss, I told them I was sorry for theirs. I’m sure they knew him better than I ever did. I can recall a few happy memories with my father, but mostly just confusing, scary ones.
Every time I saw my dad after my parents separated he cried when we said goodbye, and I never understood why. Just how I didn’t know him, he didn’t know me. Didn’t know my favorite color, didn’t know what I was studying in school, didn’t know any of my friend’s names, didn’t know what to say to me whenever we saw one another. Once, as I was leaving a visit early because of his behavior, as he was crying he told me that he thought all the bad things happening to him was karma for the way he had treated me and my mom over the years. He asked me if I believed in that kind of thing. I looked him in the eyes and said yes.
Now that it has been two years since his passing, a lot of things have changed. I don’t get as upset about the fact that it happened, I am just angry that it happened to me. I deserved a complete, whole, and loving family. I deserved a dad that would protect me from the world, not give me something to run from. There are times, of course, that I still get upset and cry, but mostly to grieve the childhood I was never allowed to have.
If anyone reading this relates to my feelings, know that any confusing emotions you are having are valid. Your journey to heal the inner child that you did not break is long and tedious, but you deserve the peace you were never afforded. If you know someone struggling with addiction, feel free to share my story and even attempt to scare them straight.
If you yourself are struggling with addiction or substance abuse, please get help.
Someone out there needs you.
National Drug Helpline: 1-(844)-289-0879
Partnership to End Addiction: Text CONNECT to 55753 or schedule a call. For a comprehensive list of drug abuse hotlines and helplines, as well as options for your state, click here.