Modern women have ancient rom com tropes to thank for our warped sense of relationships.
Romcoms introduce the grey area, where feelings and actions aren’t black and white. They tell us that someone else’s careless actions have some underlying, emotionally-driven purpose. He’ll come back, he’ll change, he’s hurting me now but he loves me. We grew up watching and idolizing the cat and mouse chase: if a boy is mean to you, it means that he likes you.
Our very own, beloved Jane Austen explores this dynamic in Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy is condescending, hurtful, and demeaning- but only because he loved his female counterpart and didn’t know how to express it properly.
Boohoo, a grown man can’t accurately communicate his feelings.
Miss Elizabeth Bennet is quick to bite back and express that love should not hurt, however in true romcom fashion, they end up together and all is well. This is just one of many examples of this trope: Bridget Jones’ Diary, 10 Things I Hate About You, even the women of Sex and the City fall into this trap. The problem is… it worked out for them. The man would be inexcusably hurtful, but it was motivated by love, so they ended up together. This gives false hope to every woman going through a hurtful, abusive, and toxic situation- that it is more than just that.
A mind-blowingly simple concept, yet somehow so difficult to digest … he’s just not that into you.
How did we get to the point where the simple and acceptable idea of someone not liking us is so perplexing?
I introduce to you … situationships.
What is a situationship? Urban Dictionary defines them as “Let’s just chill, have sex, and be confused on the fact that we are not together but have official emotions for each other.” More often than not, situationships are initiated by men who want to reap the benefits of a relationship without the commitment or label. It is difficult for us to just say “he’s not that into you,” because he makes you believe that he is, but his actions don’t match his words.
So this is where it gets confusing: Men will lure women into intimacy by dangling the carrot of emotional connection in front of them. They will communicate deep emotions for their partner, get them in bed, and then leave them high and dry when it’s time to define the relationship. It is a new age of coercion. In lieu of a pill, they intoxicate us with empty promises. Romcoms will tell us that they do this because they care but are just not ready for a serious commitment. But, what if he just really doesn’t care?
“Love Should Not Hurt” defines Domestic Violence as a “pattern of controlling behaviors that one partner uses to get power over the other.” Is that not what happens in a non-consensual situationship?
I want to clarify that I am not condemning consensual hookup culture, or even a consensual situationship. Hookups and situationships are not the problem, as long as both parties agree to the circumstance. The issue arises, however, when one person uses the ambiguity of the relationship to fill their own personal void, while abandoning the needs of the other person. Women often feel pressured into having a situationship because their partner makes them believe that they care and will execute the “grand gesture” eventually. This applies to not only heterosexual relationships, but any in which the power is out of balance.
Many of my friends will often share the tell tale signs of their situationships:
“He says he just wants to hookup, but sometimes he’ll ask me to stay the night and we’ll have really deep conversations about the future.”
“He swears he loves me, he’s just not ready for a relationship. I go over to his place all the time though!”
“We’ve been texting for months, and all of a sudden he just stopped responding to me. He’s probably just really busy.”
“We’ve been seeing each other for awhile and I thought he would define the relationship eventually. My best friend matched with him on Tinder the other day. He swears he doesn’t have the account anymore so I’m sure it’s just old.”
“We’ve been dating for months, but he won’t let me post any pictures of him and he won’t post pictures of me.”
I’m going to save you the hours of overthinking, sleepless nights, text paragraphs, and tears.
He really is just not that into you.
I know, it’s a heartbreaking concept. How can I say that? I don’t know the complexities of your relationship, or how he looks at you when he’s had too many drinks, or the way he calls you baby when he likes the way it sounds. He’s different!
No, he’s not. Sure, he may be “into you” as in he finds you attractive or wants to have sex with you, but he is not “into you” in the sense that he cares about, respects, or loves you.
For the sake of your mental health, it is best to look at things from an actions over feelings standpoint. Assess what actions he’s taking, it is easier to look at what he has done on paper, than try to decipher what’s going on in his brain and his heart. You’ll never have 100% certainty of how he feels, even if he does communicate it.
The bottom line is, when it comes to men, if he wanted to do something for you he would have. Considering your requests are trivial- a text back, exclusivity, an Instagram story- they aren’t too big of a sacrifice to make. If the task is within his capacity to perform, he just doesn’t like you enough to do them.
There should be no question if this man cares about you. If you are sitting there, agonizing over if he cares about you or not, he most likely doesn’t. How many broken promises and 2am booty calls before you finally draw the line and walk away for your own good?
In spite of sounding cliche, it is 2021, and women should take control of their relationships. It is unacceptable to allow someone else to dictate how you emote, create connections, and feel about yourself. We simply don’t have time for games and we certainly don’t have time for people who aren’t sure about their feelings for you.
So sure, he’s just not that into you, but it’s not you. It’s him.