Why Couldn't I Find Love

Dear past me,

I remember how sad you were. I remember how unwanted you felt. You weren’t. You were just naïve. You didn’t know who you were and you didn’t know that everything happens for a reason. The endless flirting, the let-downs, the wrong choices, never finding the one, I remember all that. I wish someone would have told you what I’m about to tell you know. To be honest, there were people who did try to explain to you how relationships work but you didn’t dare listen. It’s okay though because if you hadn’t made those mistakes in the past, you wouldn’t have been in the great relationship that you are now.

I’m not saying there aren’t problems – that’s reality. There are problems in all relationships, someone is too clingy, the other one is too independent, one likes to talk during movies and the other hates that, one likes staying home while the other likes to go out. There are more serious problems, as well, but if you can fight through all of them you come out stronger… what did Shakespeare say?  “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove…”

You should know that you were good enough, that you deserved love, that you could have found love earlier but you didn’t allow yourself to do so. You were always falling for the impossible, you were always swooning over the ones who would not reciprocate because you were truly not ready. To be able to be in a relationship and for someone to love you, you must love yourself first and feel that you deserve the love of another person.

You fell for the ones that were already in love with someone else, singing with all your heart Taylor’s ‘You Belong with Me’. Falling in love with the impossible and struggling to make it possible is not because you were a ‘true believer’, nor because you were a ‘romantic’ but because subconsciously you didn’t believe you deserve love and wanted to prove to yourself that that was true. You were so wrong, you deserved love but instead of opening your eyes, you fixed them to solely one person, a person that would have never given back to you what you wanted to give to him.

You fell for the ‘confused’ one, the one who had a lot of ‘important’ things going on that he couldn’t afford wasting time on you; singing with all your heart Rihanna’s ‘Stupid in Love’. You believed he was the right guy, you loved his work ethic, his personality, his quirks, his smile and those eyes… oh damn you still love those eyes. Listen to me, it wasn’t your fault, you fought and fought for it to work but it takes two people for a relationship to work and the other person was not ready to put the effort. You still admire that person after all he had done to you, played you around, told you he wanted to be in a relationship with you and broke it off the next day… but that person was not a bad person, he just wasn’t ready.

You fell for the one who wanted ‘something chill’, singing with all your heart Miley’s ‘Somebody Else’ persuading yourself that this was what you wanted as well. Of course it didn’t work, but you would never dare say that it was because you wanted a relationship. No. You wanted to ‘play around’ because you were an independent woman who needed no man. There is nothing bad with that, but you were fooling yourself then. It’s not that there’s something wrong with ‘one night stands’ and ‘casual sex’, but that is not what you truly wanted, you were just so confused and lost of who you really are you could not see it.

Do you know when you actually found love? When you stopped looking for it. Yes, when you concentrated on you, focused on your goals, your fitness, your education and were dancing to Daddy Yankee’s ‘Gasolina’ with you friends enjoying life. When you least expected it, you started talking to someone you’ve known for almost twelve years and it just clicked. He taught you what real love is and you were good together. You had a lot of fun but it turned bad real soon. You went abroad to study and he stayed back home and the fights were endless. It just couldn’t work because this was not you; the fights were exhausting you to the point that you couldn’t handle it anymore. You just had to break it off. You don’t hate him, you still remember all the good times but you know now what you really want.

At least I think I do. I am with someone else and I am over the moon singing Journey’s ‘Kiss Me Softly’ feeling every word he sings. We have some small fights that can be surpassed strengthening what we already have. I cannot really explain it but I feel safe, I feel loved and I am happy like words cannot explain. You might say that I’m naïve, that I should be careful and that I never know what could go wrong but… I can’t think like that. I trust him. He feels like the one, he might not be, we might break up one day but I can’t predict the future and I’m going to enjoy the present to the fullest. All those past mistakes taught me to love myself, taught me that I’m sentimental, taught me that I’m independent… all those past mistakes lead to the happiness I live now.

So wait. Make mistakes, love yourself, be proud of who you are and one day you will know who is good for you.  You will choose the right man and you will be happy.

 Be Careful, Present Me.         

Edited by Susan Akyeampong