There’s nothing like dropping a couple hundred quid to spend on a weekend getting caked in mud and drinking warm cider. Ah, we’re truly living in our glory days. Whether you’re attending your first festival with nothing but a fake ID, the cheapest two-man tent you could find and are worrying about the bottle of Peach Schnapps rolled up in your sleeping bag, or whether you’re headed straight for the glamping section after years of firming the battleground of campsites, festivals have something for everyone. Despite this diversity, each festival seems to develop its own archetypal attendant. Call it a stereotypical overgeneralization if you will, but here’s what your favourite UK festival says about you…
Reading and Leeds
Oh to be 16 years old and heading straight to Reading or Leeds after collecting your GCSE results. Your Duke of Edinburgh backpack is stacked high with Dark Fruits, bucket hats and the 5 portable chargers your mum has packed for you. Your favourite band is Arctic Monkeys and Liam Gallagher is your idol because you listen to Wonderwall on your Urban Outfitters vinyl player. Unless you’re 50 years old wearing a Metallica vest and moaning about the good old rock days being replaced by Post Malone, this is likely your first camping festival. Religiously chanting ‘whoop there it is’, you’ll keep your wristband on until you join sixth form just to let all your new friends know how cool you are.
Boomtown
Okay we get it, you like drum and bass. Bristol is your Holy Jerusalem – you either go to university there or DJ jungle music at one of their underground clubs. Spending your entire student loan on y2k garms from Depop and only listening to Soundcloud mixes, you’ll tell everyone that Boomtown is the best festival in the world, even though you were disappointed that Chase and Status didn’t headline last year. Fuelled by dutty bass and baccy, you’ll dance and skank the night away. Alternatively, you may be a middle-aged, spiritually awakened hippie walking around with no shoes. Either way, you deserve a pat on the back for surviving those 5 days of madness.
Creamfields
‘Did I tell you about the time I saw Michael Bibi in Ibiza?’ Swarmed with Louis Vuitton side bags, PrettyLittleThing two-pieces and oversized sunglasses (with the chain attached), you made sure to get a sunbed and teeth whitening the day before the festival. Having gone to Printworks once you’re probably most excited for Pawsa to play ‘Groovy Cat’ so that you can film yourself shuffling on TikTok with the caption ‘hot steppa’. Bonding over all going to Hideout next year, Creamfields is a place that has the power to unite the Scouse and Essex Nike dri-fit warriors.
Glastonbury
You must be someone’s dad reliving their prime years to the soundtrack of acid house and Blur. As the most anticipated event in your social calendar, you’ll tell yourself that you’ll go to all 367 stages this year but end up asleep on your deck chair by 7pm every night. Sporting the millennial uniform of tie dye shirts and glitter face makeup, you’ll pretend that you don’t have to go back to your office job on Monday. You might complain about the pint of artisan craft beer costing you £12 but you know you’ll be doing it all again next year.