Female Issues...as Told by Men

Ladies suffer a lot. Whilst I can never appreciate how much it hurts to be kicked in the balls, females go through a lot in order to stay flawless around the clock. We discuss these issues and support one another through the various trials and tribulations, but rarely do we consult our male counterparts. In the name of professional journalism, I got together four very different guys, put them in a room together and sought their opinions on a few all-important and very female topics, ranging from contouring to Vaginal Vault Prolapse. Read at your own risk.


‘So what do you think girls do when they go to the toilet together?’

Male A: Selfies.

Male B: Take pictures of each other, normally whilst one of them is on the toilet.

Male C: They always Snapchat.

Male B: Throw up and hold each other’s hair back.

Male A: Look at each other’s boobs. There’s a lot of clucking involved.


‘What qualifies as lesbian sex?’

Male B: Anything from below the neck counts.

Male A: You can’t have sex without a dick. What do you even do when you scissor? Do you just mash your vaginas into each other?

Male C: Next question please.


‘How do you placate an annoyed girl?’

Male D: Apologise profusely.

Male B: What if it wasn’t your fault?

Male D: Still apologise profusely.

Male C: Just talk through the feelings.

Male B: Stroke her hair.

Male A: Ugh, that’s really creepy.

Male C: Throw money at her.


‘What do you understand the menstrual cycle to be?’

Male C: It’s that time of the month where the girl gets angry.

Male D: Once a month, they make an egg ready to be fertilised and if it doesn’t, it releases itself.

Male A: It sets itself free.

Male B: A week of blowjobs.




‘What process do you think a girl goes through in order to get ready for a night out?’

Male B: Shower. Shave everything. Wash your hair. Get out of the shower. Dry your hair. Fake tan. Moisturise.

Male D: You can’t do that, lad, wrong way around.

Male B: Sorry, moisturise then fake tan. Straighten hair. Makeup. Don’t know the order of the makeup. Gonna guess foundation for starters.

Male D: Primer first.

Male C: What the hell is primer?

Male B: Got to get dressed at some point as well.

Male D: Jewellery.

Male B: Then get drunk. Actually, possibly change outfits a few times.

Male A: Cry a bit because you think you look fat.

Male B: Send pictures to the girls so you can decide on an outfit.

Male D: Send a snapchat or take a picture for Instagram. OOTD.

Male C: Sing into their hairbrush for half an hour, that’s why they take so long.


‘What do you know about Vaginal Vault Prolapse?’


Male B: Your vagina falls out?!

Male A: Yeah and you’ve got to do Kegel exercises to keep your vagina tight.

Male B: How does it fall out?

Male C: Is this common knowledge?


‘What’s the difference between a bikini, Brazilian and Hollywood wax?’

Male A: Brazilian’s like completely bare.

Male B: Nah, Brazilian’s a triangle.

Male C: Hollywood’s completely bare?

Male B: Bikini’s just like, everything.




‘Would you say you’re for applicator tampons or non-applicator tampons?’

Male B: What’s the difference?

Male A: Is one a pad?

Male D: Does one go inside and one go outside?

Paula: They’re both tampons so they both go inside. One has a tool to help you insert the tampon, the other doesn’t.

Male A: So you get a thing that helps you shoot it up there?

Male D: Oh yeah and then you pull the plastic sheath out.

Male B: What’s it called when you leave your tampon in for too long and you get some sort of shock?

Paula: Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Male B: That sounds so aggressive. I’ve never understood how you can forget it up there though.

Male A: What if you use it for two periods? Like, what if you use the same tampon for two periods?

Paula: You would just never do that. You should only get one period a month so if you had it for two periods, you would have one tampon in for over a month…

Male C: So you shove a tampon in yourself for how long, exactly?

Male A: A week.

Paula: A few hours. Four or five hours.

Male A: I thought you walked around with them in.

Male B: Yeah, you do but not for a week...


‘What would you think if a girl had a lot of pubic hair? Would it affect things for you?’

Male C: No matter how feminist people get or whatever, I hate hair on girls.

Male B: I don’t hate it but it’s got to be…tamed.

Male B: Surely the same applies to guys, like if a guy’s got a massive bush, it’s a bit gross, no?

Male D: I don’t like hair, full stop.

Male C: If they choose to do that, fair enough. But it’s not for me.

Male A: Can vaginas smell?

Male B: Yep.

Male A: So if they’ve got loads of hair AND their vagina smells, doesn’t that make it doubly offensive? Just kind of unhygienic, really. Sweaty vaginas. No.

Male B: And also, pubic hair, it’s just not very nice to feel. It’s very thick.

Male A: Wait, is it curly?

Male B: Yeah, it’s like your pubic hair.


‘What about girls who don’t shave other parts of their bodies? So also armpits etc.?’

Male C: Same principle.

Male A: It’s really gross.

Male B: It’s not feminine.

Paula: So why do you think most girls do shave?

Male B: Because men tell them to. Not directly. Societal pressures.

Male A: I think the pressure comes more from women than men.


‘Thoughts on contouring?’

Male A: Is that when you fake your face?

Paula: Yep, so it’s when you use dark shadows and highlighter to emphasise cheekbones and to slim down your nose etc.

Male D: I mean, go for it.

Male A: I think if girls completely change their faces, it’s like lying because they put on this face to go out and then they come back and they’re bun again.


‘What do you think happens at girls’ sleepovers?’

Male C: It turns into a massive lez-off.

Male D: They sit and bitch about all their friends.

Male A: They watch really shit American TV. Real Housewives in various locations.




Oral sex for women – how do you tackle it?’

Male A: I simply do not.

Male D: I wouldn’t bother on a one night stand. And if it’s a girlfriend, by the time you get to do it, you can ask them and they’ll tell you what they like.

Male B: Dunno about the one night stand thing. In terms of how you do it, got to use your hands, got to be involved. One’s in, the other hand on lower pelvis. And then, you know, really go for it.


‘What’s the difference between a balconette and a plunge bra is?’

Male B: Is a balconette bra a balcony bra?

Male A: A small balcony for your boobs.

Male B: Isn’t it just a bra that goes straight across?

Male D: That’s a boob tube.

Male B: No, it’s still a bra.

Male C: Mate, that’s a boob tube.


‘One last question guys – how do we feel about winged vs. non-winged?’

Male B: Is that the eye liner shit?

Male C: Is that gypsy makeup?

Male A: Is that a lesbian thing?

Paula: It’s to do with periods.

Male A: I know! I know! It’s the pad. Some pads have wings that come up like straps. The wings come up and grab onto your hips or something.

Paula: Any more guesses? What do the wings do?

Male B: So if they don’t go up, they go down? Down your thighs? So you’ve got the pad and then the wings go down the thighs to prevent anything…dripping?

Male A: Do they have any relevance to what wings are to birds?

Paula: Nothing to do with flying.

Male C: I literally have no idea, can we have the answer please?

Paula: So you get the normal pad bit which has a sticky underside and sticks to your underwear. And the wings have sticky bits and stick the underside of the underwear to secure the pad further.

Male B: The pad itself has a sticky bit?

Paula: What did you think the pad stuck to?

Male A: I thought it was like, sellotaped to your vagina.

Male C: Fuck me, being a girl is complicated. No wonder you’re always so emotional.


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Edited by Sam Carey