Being mixed-race, I’ve had my fair share of invasive ‘WHAT ARE YOU?’ questions (I’m a human being thank you very much) and games people love to make with my ethnicity, guessing where I’m ‘from’ (I could make a spreadsheet of all the places). To save you the effort, I’ll just tell you now.
My mum is Chinese and South-East Asian, born in Singapore and moved to the UK as a child, whilst my dad is English. Growing up in London, I feel extremely grateful for living in such a diverse community of people. However, as an adolescent, I was seen by my peers as nothing but Asian, which was preceded by a number of years of teasing in the form of being called a ‘dog-eater’ or being spoken to in a mocking or stereotypical way just to name a few. As a result, (in addition to a lack of Asian or mixed-race representation), I grew to resent my non-white features, as I was constantly conditioned to see white as the beauty standard – a standard that I wanted to fulfil. Yet, when I got a little older the tables turned, and I began resenting my white features as I desperately wanted to identify with my Asian side more through my appearance. Either way, looking back I’m ashamed of my mindset, and how society made me pick a side or make me feel guilty for not being more ‘involved’ in one or the other. Society has some quite backwards ideologies surrounding the inability to accept identities if someone doesn’t display the stereotypical physical features associated with that race or culture, which can make it quite isolating and lonely at times. We need to deconstruct these harmful ideas that your appearance alone equates to your identity – this is simply not true. Growing up I wasn’t seen as white enough for white people, nor was I seen as Asian enough for Asian people – resulting in the feeling of being stuck in a kind of limbo where I felt I didn’t truly belong or deserve to belong anywhere, a space where I had to prove who I was. Shift to the present day, coming to university I’ve definitely felt a huge change in my environment, where I’m constantly grappling with the guilt of not being more involved in the Asian community. Should I feel guilty for not having as many Asian friends? Should I be making more of an active effort? As I’m older, I certainly relate more and more to being Asian, and it’s something I am hugely proud of, but the imposter syndrome is REAL. I’ve not had the same experiences of being Asian as my Asian friends, nor will my white friends ever relate to my experiences of being Asian – making it hard to fully fit in.
Nevertheless, this article is not at all trying to be a pity party, I am totally aware of the privileges that come with being half-white – such as the fact that I have a white-sounding English first and last name. I can never fully experience what it is like to be fully Asian, nor what it is like to be fully white because the experience of being mixed-race is so unique. My personal journey of self-identity has been a long but necessary one, and I am ultimately unbelievably proud to be multi-ethnic – it’s being able to share two sides of yourself, and being part of a culture that I can embrace and love. Asian culture is beautiful with a rich history that I am still learning about, so being able to say that I can experience two sides of myself is something I am truly grateful for – and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We must deconstruct these expectations and not deny or doubt others of their identities just because it’s not engraved on their face. Your heritage runs through your veins – don’t let anybody take that away from you!