Dear Gemma,
How do you become more confident with your body during sex?
-Lights Off
Dear Lights Off,
There is no one answer to this question. I’m one of those people who was blessed enough to grow up in an environment where I was taught to be proud of my body, not ashamed of it. My mother and aunts were open with me about puberty, sex, hormones, and all those awkward conversations no one wants to have. When my boobs came in, I owned them. When I realized I had a waist, I played it up. And once I realized that I would never have a booty like JLo, I embraced that too. Being confident about your body is so far removed from a sexual standpoint, but more often than not we fixate on the physicality of it and make it about sex. Now you might be saying, ‘Gemma, I’m comfortable with my body, I’m just not comfortable with it in front of other people, especially if I’m having sex with them.’ Then I hate to break it to you, but if you’re not comfortable with your body in every situation then you still aren’t fully comfortable with it. I can be in an evening gown or a bikini, sweats or nude and I fully embrace my body. And sex is part of that. I hooked up with a guy over Thanksgiving while I was doing no shave November. And I mean no shave. And he loved every second of it. Why? Confidence is more important than smooth legs.
But this is easier said than done. I realize that not everyone’s self esteem is in the best place, and feeling confident is a lot harder than I’m making it out to be. So take your time. Find someone who appreciates all of you and builds up that confidence. Take a few moments every day to stare at your naked body in the mirror. Memorize every curve, every dimple, every contour. Pamper yourself with an at home spa day. Fall in love with yourself little by little. And above all, be kind to your body. After all, it’s the only vessel you have. And once you learn how to love it, you will learn how to rock it in bed.
Stay beautiful,
Gemma.
Dear Gemma,
What do you know about getting tested for STIs either on campus or around South Bend? I’ve had unprotected oral sex with a couple different guys, and though I don’t have any symptoms, I’m still nervous and I would still like to get tested. I don’t want my parents to find out, so does that mean I can’t use my insurance (I’m on my parents’ plan)? Any idea how much it would be out of pocket? Lastly, do you have any other advice related to this matter? It would be much appreciated. Thanks!
-Worried
Dear Worried,
Okay, first of all, and I know this is the hardest part, you need to not panic. We have the tendency to over think these things and psych ourselves out. I’m not saying STIs shouldn’t be taken seriously, but don’t beat yourself up and overanalyze the situation. Just deal with it accordingly and go from there. Obviously don’t go to Saint Liam’s. I’ll go in for a fractured ankle and say I’m feeling nauseous from the pain, and they immediately ask me if I’m pregnant. I’m not saying the doctors are incompetent, but when it comes to sexual things they’re not the most helpful. Planned Parenthood would ideally be your best bet, but I didn’t feel entirely comfortable when I went to the one in South Bend. It was clean and professional, but something about the staff gave me the vibe that they didn’t really care and they just thought I was some other tramp coming in to get tested. When you’re dealing with something like this you want to be in an environment as positive and supportive as possible. So my friends and I did some digging and we found this place called the Olive Street Health Center. It’s kind of like a Planned Parenthood in the services it offers, but it doesn’t require insurance and the people were so helpful and friendly. Also, if you don’t have a job and have zero income (which is totally plausible as a full time student), they don’t charge you! Look into it, it’s definitely your best local option. I sometimes go into a Planned Parenthood in Chicago (I like the one in The Loop) to get birth control if can’t get home to my gyno.
I’m going to throw in a suggestion. Ask your mom if she can make you an appointment with her gyno. Is she going to freak out? Probably. But you don’t have to be explicit. Just say something along the lines of “I’ve been having irregular periods” or something non sexual. It’s good to have a primary gynecologist who can be your go-to person for any issues that might come up. I see my gyno maybe once a year, but I email her regularly with questions. Even though I use Planned Parenthood and other services, it’s comforting to know that I have a medical professional I can trust instead of looking up information on WebMD. You know how when you have a headache and you look up your symptoms and all of the sudden you think you’re having an double aneurism and brain tumors? Same happens with sexual health. I once had an ingrown pubic hair and after looking it up I was a thousand percent sure I had herpes, which then caused me to stress and miss my period, so then I thought I was pregnant, and I was trying to figure out if I’d be giving birth to my unborn child during an outbreak. Not fun.
And for the record, unless the guy was in the middle of a visible outbreak, there’s a very small chance of a genital STI passing along orally. Have your fun. Just be smart. I get tested twice a year just to be safe, and sometimes more if I feel worried. It might seem extreme, but it’s definitely paid off– I’ve never had to face the horror of an STI.
Be good,
Gemma.
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