We’ve all heard the tall tale of our resident Hulk, also known as Hot Pockets Guy or Koolaid Man. It was a typical Friday night in South Bend when this Notre Dame student barreled through a local spa on his epic quest for munchies, leaving thousands of dollars of damage and a ravaged refrigerator in his wake. The University’s administration is horrified by his actions, and even more appalled by the student body’s lack of appall.
“That dude’s a legend.” commented every student on campus.
Notre Dame Student pictured breaking through walls of local spa.
The aftermath of the incident has resulted in the tightening of security in local businesses in the entire Michiana community. Local business: “U can paint 2” has instructed employees to no longer bring snacks into work. They have begun putting paint canisters into a secure lock box, fearing that the drunk student hulk may think the purple paint is actually grape soda. Many other businesses have removed ornamental decorations such as flower pots, gargoyles, and hide-a-key turtles from their front stoops. Unfortunately, no amount of precautions can stop him from using his body as a weapon.
Student pictured before his consumption of Hot Pockets.
Strangely, supermarkets, restaurants, and general stores have not tightened security at all. Martin’s supervisor commented: “A grocery store would be too easy for him. He’s interested in targeting local businesses that have a very slight chance of having employee’s snacks inside of them.” Homeowners wait with baited breath, padlocking their refrigerators and buying healthier foods that he may have no interest in.
Hot Pockets C.E.O.s were at first angered by the dramatic sales drop that followed in Indiana, but have now reportedly asked the student to be Hot Pockets new spokesperson.
Student to take over Herbie Hot Pocket’s position with the new catch phrase “They really were irressistable.”
South Bend Police and NDSP are on high alert for our student hulk and any possible imitators who may want to make a legacy as memorable as his.
More on this developing story to come.