“A smile is a smile in any language” said some unknown fan of platitudes. But the the actual quote is “no is the same word in every language.” Or perhaps it’s really “there are a million different ways to say yes but only one word for no.” And there you have it, “yes” is confusing, and so are smiles, and they make the world of dating like a minefield we’re all dancing around, chasing after all these maybes and yeahs and smiles, and smiles back, and hoping we don’t stumble upon the unmistakeable IED that is a no.
A new app is sweeping the Notre Dame campus that claims to simplify our befuddling romantic lives, or lack thereof. It makes things clear cut. You like someone, you smile at them, they like you too, they SmileBack.
SmileBack was introduced to the ND campus two weeks ago. It presents itself as a more exclusive Tinder. Remember how Facebook started as a classier version of MySpace? SmileBack is a classier Tinder because it relies on university networks. Classy Tinder? Impossible! But I thought maybe this is exactly what we need here at Notre Dame. I took it upon myself to research, test, and write this thorough review of Smile Back.
Lovely, lovely.
I downloaded the app. It’s free, obviously. We’re in our youth, and can’t start paying money to meet people yet. The app has a very simple interface. Essentially you just scroll through photos of boys that go to Notre Dame. Under each picture, their first name and the initial of their last name is listed, as well as their age. If you click on their photo, you can skim through profile pictures on Facebook. Some people have also allowed access to their Instagram photos. If you find the person’s photos pleasing, you can smile at them anonymously. Be choosy though, you only have two free smiles to send per day! (More smiles can be purchased, but hey I’m already using an app to get free drinks, I’m not about to start paying for smiles).
The smile receiver guesses between 5 smilers. They are supposed to choose the person they find most attractive, or at least the person they would most want to be smiling at them. If they guess correctly within the first two guesses, the smiler will receive a smile back, and the two smiling young-ins are matched and able to send each other messages. If you don’t guess the right person within two guesses, you can buy more guesses. If you do not find any of the choices worthy, then don’t guess, and don’t smile back.
The fact that you are only supposed to smile back if you are interested is a nuance not immediately clear. I did not initially realize that I was supposed to smile back at the people in whom I was interested. Instead I thought I was meant to guess who would have smiled at me regardless. But it is not just a challenge for your guessing ability, sending the smile back is a sign of returned interest. Once you have been matched and the messaging is enabled, you receive a free drink coupon. This is one of SmileBack’s big incentives and it’s even in their promotional slogan “get a match and the first drink is on us.” The coupon requires that both parties be present in the Smileback approved bar.
I talked to Dan Berenholtz, one of the creators of the app, and he gave me the lowdown on SmileBack’s reception at universities. The app was started by four college students and first launched in NYC in early 2013. Next they expanded to Washington, D.C. Berenholtz told me they’re expanding even more rapidly now: “The goal was to be at fifty more universities by the end of this semester.” Notre Dame is one of these fifty schools, chosen for its name recognition (I was glad to hear Dan say that we have name recognition, my ears still tickle every time I hear those mispronounced French words fall from any lips. Dan and the SmileBack team confirmed it – we have a sweet name). Berenholtz told me that over 500 ND students downloaded the app within the first week. They do not have any agreements with local bars yet, so users cannot redeem their free drinks. Hopefully by the end of the semester, the free drink coupons will be usable.
Sup Dan.
After discovering that I would not be getting free drinks anytime soon, I questioned if I wanted to write this article anymore. I had committed to giving a thorough examination of the app’s usablitiy and function in our Notre Dame social scene, but I agreed to that thinking I would be doing my field research at the local watering holes. But then I thought to myself, Emma, people are out there awkwardly meeting each other everyday without even the mention of free drinks. You’ve been promised free drinks eventually, and you could be bringing more free drinks to all your fellow ND singles out there. So like Moses in the desert, I pressed forward leading my fellow singles through the scorched, barren land that is the ND dating scene, hoping our promised manna of free alcohol would fall upon us soon.
I took it upon myself to go on a SmileBack date for the purposes of y’all. I smiled at two people everyday for three days. I received a bunch of smiles, and guessed the smiler, sending smiles back each time. Every time I received a match, I messaged unabashedly, for the good of journalism– that’s exactly what I told myself. I began to become numb to the social rules for hitting on men because I was beginning conversations with so many. One beaut. of a message I sent was, “Yo Jim S*… What do you say me and you make good on those promised free drinks this weekend?” Shockingly, Jim S did not reply.
One of my most promising matches was a Charlie L. who I struck up a conversation with saying “I don’t know about you but I’ve never been one to turn down free drinks.” He responded that he too loved free drinks and asked how we get them. I told him I’d look into it. I then had to explain that the free drinks were not available for at least a month, but that my wit and charm was always free. He told me I was a major loser and to get a life. No he didn’t say that, but he did call me out on not being 21, to which I replied that the app was practicing agism and I did not like it. (The app really is practicing some strong agism, the majority of users are younger than 21. It’s not like SmileBack is coming through on the free drinks anyway, but if they did, they’re useless to most app users. I suppose I could stand outside a bar and have them bring me a tall orange juice or milk, or some other non-alcoholic beverage. I asked Dan Berenholtz what he was going to do about the underage crowd, and he said they were looking into free ice cream, or an appetizer, or some smaller food item. I snorted to myself having flashbacks of my first date in 8th grade when I ate a banana split by myself as some poor silent boy watched me and passed me napkins to remove the chocolate syrup from my hair, face, arms, and clothing. Then I snorted again remembering the same thing happened last week with a boy from Siegfried. Then Dan Berenholtz asked me if I was a piglet for all my snorting noises.) But back to my discussion with Charlie L. He verbally nodded to my agism joke, so I went in for the kill and asked if he wanted to get coffee some time. Big surprise, he did not respond to my coffee offer. I dusted myself off, and moved on to my next match.
But Charlie L. was not completely out of the picture yet. It seems we were fated to have our awkward in person meeting. Or maybe I just took it upon myself. The next day at breakfast, who do I see eating by himself but the same Charlie L. I approached. The conversation went as follows:
Me: Hey are you Charlie L?
Charlie L. (fearful eyes, speaking very quickly and blinking a lot): Yes.
Me: This is too funny, I am the Emma that’s been messaging you on SmileBack!
Charlie L: Okay.
Me: Confession, I am actually writing an article on the app and I have to go on a Smileback date by the end of the week. That’s why I was so persistent.
Charlie L (still fearful): Yeah
Me: You don’t seem surprised.
Charlie L: Well I’ve written papers on social media before for classes so it makes sense. Girls are never that forward anyway. There was something up… Not that it’s a bad thing.
Me: Well it’s all in the name of journalism right?
Charlie L: Yeah.
Me: Well, I won’t be harassing you through social media anymore!
Charlie L: Don’t worry about it.
And another one bites the dust. My conversation with Charlie L left me with two big takeaways. Firstly, he was visibly uncomfortable. Is this because he never thought he would have to face his SmileBack matches in the flesh? Is it because he felt rude not having responded to my message from the day before, and thought I was going to call him out on it? My best guess is that he feared I was approaching to ask him out in person. I concluded that ND students do not want to meet people entirely through an app. The second big takeaway was his statement about women never being that forward. It’s sadly true. We mainly wait, and play defense which is sad because it means we rarely ever end up with the people we would have chosen, but instead end up with the people that chose us. If you like someone, don’t wait for them to make a move. There’s some overused sports maxim about not making the untaken shots that applies to this situation.
This never happened.
I took my three day period of hitting on men obnoxiously through SmileBack as a foray into the situation of men. Making moves all the time is exhausting! And it’s something of a numbers game as well. When you make an effort to let someone know you’re interested, they have this expectation that your interest is specific to them. But one never expects their flirting to be well received. Maybe 50% of the time it’s taken well, and only 25% of the time is it responded to in a way that deserves more flirting. So when a person hits on someone else it is special and specific to that person, but they still need to hit on at least four people at a time if they want one to move into any meaningful stage. We women always get angry and sad when we discover that some boy we’re talking to texts other girls. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, it just means he’s a strategist playing the odds. Hey, you wouldn’t want to be talking to an illogical dullard anyway now would ya?
After Charlie L, I began talking to some graduate students, of which SmileBack is overrun. I think dating gets more difficult with every year out of undergrad, and people are more willing to try things. The grad students are a lot friendlier. They were very chatty though, and I needed to cut the chit chat and go on a Smileback date pronto, so I eventually moved off them.
That’s when I received a smile from Ken T. Here’s the thing about Ken T: We sort’ve knew each other already. There were a lot of people I saw on SmileBack that I already knew, but I figured that I needed to stick to strangers in order to truly test the effectiveness of the app. Ken T. and I had not really met formally, but we were Facebook friends, and had mutual acquaintances. I don’t know if I ever would have had a reason to get to know him better if it hadn’t been for the exchange of smiles and conversation that followed, but I also don’t think the same conversation would have occurred if we had not known each other outside of SmileBack.
I view dating like some people view sales. If you’ve ever been a salesperson, they tell you that you need to make four to five touches to make a sale. There are some special circumstances, like someone’s car breaks down and they buy a new car that day with no forethought, nor any attention to advertisements. However, sales typically require more contact with the customer. A touch is any form of contact from a flier, to a billboard, to a neighbor mentioning how much they love their new car, to a sticker seen on staff room refrigerator. Let’s say someone’s car is old. First they overhear a radio ad about an upcoming sale at a car dealership (touch one, the idea is planted). Next they get their oil changed at the dealership, and walk around looking at cars while they wait (touch two). Then they see a television commercial (touch three). Finally, they have trouble with their car one morning and one of their coworkers tells them she just bought a new car, and here is the card of the salesman she used (touch four).
I view dating in the same way. You meet someone, touch one. You see them at a party, touch two. You discover you have mutual friends and end up getting an unintentioned meal together, touch three. You find them at Club Feve on a Thursday, and well touches four, five, and six occur. I think SmileBack could be very useful in this sense. It could work as a first or second touch. With Ken T. we already knew each other, but SmileBack created a second touch which was unlikely to have happened organically.
Overall, I had a fun week. Ken T. is someone I would actually want to hang out with and I am thankful to Smile Back for speeding up the process. (Even if they haven’t given me my flipping free drinks yet!). I do not think Smile Back is going to be as successful at Notre Dame as it might be at other universities because we tend to feel less uncomfortable meeting strangers and putting ourselves out there. However, I do think it could be a great way to make an already planted seed germinate. The real game changer would be if Smile Back came through on the free drinks. Sorry, did I mention the lack of free drinks yet?
*Names have been changed to protect our darling ND men.