Tough. That is all I can say about the past week at Notre Dame, in the sports community and the entire world. First, we lost Annrose Jerry, then we lost Kobe Bryant in a helicopter crash, and the coronavirus is currently taking lives left and right all over China. It feels like death has permeated all of January and many people, myself included, are asking “what the hell is happening?” So what do we do when we are confronted with death?
As an emergency medical technician, death doesn’t faze me easily. I have done CPR on five people, none of whom could be revived, and I have seen more bodies dead on arrival than I care to admit. I have dropped older patients off suffering from severe strokes or with multiple broken ribs, only to find out weeks later that they never left the hospital. I have seen three people complete suicide, and have had to watch family members cry out in horror when they see that their homes are filled with police officers and medical personnel. I can tell you that there is no worse feeling in the world than having to check for a pulse that you know will not be there.
The truth is that when we are inundated with death, the quickest way to cope with grief and shock is to compartmentalize everything. It is much easier to shove everything in a little box and never think about it. As an EMT, I have become a master compartmentalizer, but that comes with its consequences. I often find myself feeling callous and apathetic, guilty for not fully bearing the weight that death carries; but I have learned that death does not have to be such an unbearable burden.
In order to learn anything from death, we have to let it breathe and move around. We have to let the idea of death and its consequences ruminate for a little while so that we can truly appreciate what it means to be alive. There is a reason why we feel sick to our stomachs when death affects us, a reason why we can literally feel our hearts sinking. Death is a finite end that we all must face. Every death that we experience brings us closer to that reality; however, it also provides us with an opportunity to acknowledge that there is no life without suffering. Tragedies and freak accidents are what suspend life and death on the tightrope upon which we walk. To live without acknowledging death, or to live in fear of death, will undoubtedly throw us off balance.
I have come to see death as an opportunity to reflect on my own life, the blessings I have been given and the struggles that have built my character. Every day is a gift from God, and we cannot take it for anything less than that. It is a privilege to be alive and to know that God has given us a chance to be grateful for the air we breathe and the blood we pump. The fragility of life makes it all the more precious, and if we cannot recognize that, then death has taught us nothing.
We must be courageous enough to accept our own mortality so that death deals a softer blow. It is within this state of mind that we can feel a deeper love for the ones we have lost without the cloud of grief. I want people to know that death is not the end of the world, but a fact of life. It is the vehicle that reminds us to live with a fuller heart and a sweeter sense of gratitude, and to never take anything for granted.