Once, a few years ago, I was sitting on the back porch with my Dad and sister eating ice cream. We were talking about all sorts of things, but somehow we got on the topic of the differences and similarities between my sister and I (I was in the midst of college application season, and I was looking for two of the people who know me the best to give me some help on those classic “who are you?” college app essay questions).
We started talking about my little sister’s slight tendency to hold grudges. “But not you, Abby,” my Dad said. “You’ll get upset about something for maybe five minutes. But then you just let it go.”
This is the way I’ve always been: hardwired to forgive without an apology (even when I probably deserve one). To move on. Life’s too short has always been the basis for my reasoning.
I’m not trying to toot my own horn (I’m also not trying to discredit my sister — her strength and fiery passion inspire me daily). My tendency to let things go is not always such a beautiful thing. Sometimes it hurts. Almost every time it’s hard. I’ve often been told that I shouldn’t be such a people pleaser. That I shouldn’t be so quick to forgive, because people might start to take advantage of that. There have been times when I have feared that people will start to just get used to me being “okay” with everything and maybe won’t even realize they’re hurting me. Because I will always forgive them.
I’m not trying to say that you should let people walk all over you. At the end of the day, you need to stand up for yourself, and to express your feelings if someone is truly hurting you. But the reality of life is that we are human. We are not machines and no one is perfect. We all f*ck up, and truthfully, we f*ck up a lot. We make mistakes and we make the wrong decisions. But that’s what life is: it’s trial and error, trying and failing and then trying again. It’s f*cking up and then growing from it. Forgiveness is really, really hard sometimes. But it’s important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t always mean that what they did was okay, but simply that you’ve made peace with the pain. That you’re ready to let it go. Forgiveness isn’t even about other people really. At the end of the day, it’s really just for yourself. I’ve realized that holding onto anger and grudges only keeps me planted in the past. But I’m not in the past anymore, and the past has no right to continue living in the present. It is necessary to let things go simply because they are heavy.
I think it’s important to remember that forgiveness and letting go also applies to ourselves. I tend to be really hard on myself, especially when I mess up. I hold myself to high standards, which is a good thing, but sometimes I’m simply being unfair to myself. I’m trying to remember that I deserve the grace that I am constantly giving to others. It is just as important to forgive yourself when you f*ck up.
There’s this lyric I really like, from a song called “Like the World is Going to End” by Ben Rector. “And I’d speak love to anybody who came close enough to listen. And if somebody done me wrong, I’d call and tell em’ I forgot.” If the world was going to end, what would you do? Would it matter?
At the end of the day, my ability to handle things with grace is one of the things I love most about myself. Even if it’s hard sometimes, I wouldn’t change that aspect of me for the world.
Feel what you need to feel, and then let it go. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. It’s freeing, it’s healing and at the end of the day, life is too short.
