Hi Gemma!,
I’m an incoming freshman to Notre Dame. I dated one guy for a little while in high school but it was not serious at all and I’m hoping that at college I can get more intimate physically and emotionally, if that makes any sense. However, I’m totally new to the college culture of dating/hooking up and pretty inexperienced in general even with high school type stuff. Any general advice you can share? What can I expect right away and what can I do to open up to more of these experiences you write about?
-Thirsty but naive
Dear TBN,
Can I just say how happy I am that you felt comfortable enough to reach out to me? Seriously. I’m happy dancing inside. This means so much to me. I’m going to give you the same generic advice my sister gave me the summer before my freshman year that I thought was super lame back then: Have the most fun you possibly can, but always look out for yourself and your heart. Nothing rings more true over the past four years for me. Being experienced or inexperienced has nothing to do with how your love life will play out at Notre Dame. I was pretty experienced coming in as a freshman (at least, more so than my roommates), but that doesn’t mean that I was “good” or “bad” at dating or hooking up. All that matters is that you place yourself first. I know that when you’re in a relationship you’re always supposed to think of your partner’s needs first, or a good friend places her friends’ needs before her own, or whatever other sappy Pinterest quote we’ve heard over the years. None of that is true. You are leading lady in your own life, and don’t lose sight of that, especially not in a romantic or sexual sense. If you aren’t happy, do something about it. If something pisses you off, address it. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself, and this goes for your physical body as well as your heart and mind. Always, always, always use protection. I’m serious. I’ve heard countless horror stories of girls thinking they’ve fallen for a guy, and forget to use a condom just once because he’s been begging for it for so long, and then they find out that he gave them syphilis or gonorrhea or something awful like that. It isn’t worth it. And if you are sexually active, make sure you’re getting regular check ups with your gyno. I go once a year like clockwork. It’s good for your own peace of mind, even if you don’t think you have anything to be concerned about. Right off the bat you can expect a bunch of horny little freshman boys. The first few weeks are a daze of meeting new people, exchanging phone numbers, getting hit on, and yes, probably some drunken sloppy hook ups. But once the honeymoon phase dies down, you’ll meet some genuinely intelligent, talented gentlemen. I know I’m a better woman for some of the men I’ve met (and been intimate with) here, and I hope by the time your four years are over you can say the same. Have fun, darling. The time really does fly by.
Welcome home, Gemma.
Gemma,
I’ve only recently found your articles and I must say I love them! I will be a freshman this fall at Notre Dame, and one of my concerns when I decided to attend ND was related to the religious culture of the school. I understand that this definitely doesn’t apply to all students, but it has some kind of impact on the dating scene – the common ND “hook up”, the “ring by spring” tradition, etc. Like you, I believe that women should be free to explore their sexuality without having to conform to commonly accepted social norms and most definitely without being slut-shamed. My question is, is that possible in the ND community? I do enjoy being in relationships, but I’m at a point in my life where casual sex/one night-stands sound more appealing. They don’t occur that often, but it would be nice to know that people wouldn’t necessarily judge me (more than the normal level) for engaging in this sort of behavior.
-Newcomer
Dear Newcomer,
Welcome to Notre Dame! You’re in for an amazing next four years. I’m glad you brought up the religion factor. That is something I was worried about before coming here because I converted away from Catholicism when I was sixteen and I had no idea how I was going to feel at a Catholic school. While you do feel it in the education (you have to take two theologies and there is a cross in practically ever room on campus), I honestly have never felt uncomfortable in a social sense because of my faith. People here are more conservative, and yes, religion plays into that. But so do politics, and upbringing, and a million and one other things. So don’t worry about the faith based environment. People here are actually pretty chill about it. That being said, sex is a tricky subject at a place like ND. Sex happens. All the time. And there are a lot of people who you wouldn’t necessarily think are sexually active, but they are. The problem is that no one talks about it. So when I’m at a dinner party (I’m in the arts, I live for dinner parties), and I bring up the importance of oral sex, for example, everyone splutters over their gazpacho and nervously laughs while my date turns a bright shade of crimson. WE ALL DO IT, OKAY? IT’S HUMAN. And even if we’re not doing it now, chances are we’ll all do it someday, so why can’t we feel free to talk about it? This is my very roundabout say of saying that yes, you will have the freedom to explore your sexuality at Notre Dame. Some of my best sexual experiences have been here. I’ve definitely grown and learned a lot about my body and my sexuality thanks to the pretty amazing people I’ve met here. Just a word of caution: don’t publicize it. While there’s nothing wrong with being sexually active, you don’t want to be known as “that girl.” And while that’s unfortunate, that’s a common reality around the globe, not just at Notre Dame. I don’t think ND is any more or any less sexually stimulating than any other school. There just isn’t an open dialogue about it. You shouldn’t feel ashamed about being sexually active here, but don’t plaster it on a billboard. And hey— if you’re anything like me, you’ll find a way to talk about it. That’s the whole point of me having this column after all.
-Spread the love, Gemma.
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