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Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

 

Greetings HerCampus crazies, can you believe a week has passed since our first meeting?!
Six snips of advice before an update on the past seven days of my existence and a plan for my
increasingly dim future.
 
ADVICE:
1. If someone on the street offers to staple-gun their buddy’s stomach for $5, and the
guy has a substantial beer belly, just do it. YOLO.
2. Do not disrupt in-bar dunk contests. Doesn’t matter if you’re wearing happy
Japanimation caps or floor length Quaker-style dresses, you will be kicked out…
twice.
3. Avoid roller blading by the river without elbow pads. Unless you are the son of Brink
or a child figure skating prodigy, you will fall and sustain seriously debilitating
injuries.
4. A word on issued “gear” —  sweatshirts, t-shirts, flippy floppies… Prosthetic legs? Just
because everyone is drinking out of this unique and equally enticing chalice, doesn’t
make it kosher OR clean. In sum, when offered prosthetic leg at a keg, think twice.
5. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT open the door to Jimmy John’s delivery men without
shoes on. It could/has led to an ongoing attempt to satiate foot fetishes. Beware.
6. Contrary to popular belief, the Salsa’s bathroom is no place for a hookup. That is all.
 
Now, an update on last weeks dares followed by a new set of weird adventures I plan on
getting myself into.
 
LAST WEEK’S UPDATE:
1. Apply, or at least attempt, to get a part-time job at Waka Dog. Two gold stars for getting
hired.
I knew this one would present a psychological road block. There’s something intimidating
about the red and yellow striped umbrella a-top the chrome hot dog cart also known as Waka
Dog. I will admit, I called and hung up (twice) on that sweet old man who owns the place.
Maybe it’s the idea of actually being hired to a local South Bend hot dog stand that scares me
more than anything. Regardless, no freaking job, no gold stars, put this one in the book is a
fail. I did post an old broken iPod on eBay, so cash money should be flowing like the wine of
Capastrana by next week.
 
2. Go to Salsa’s, Finnies, Oyster Bar, the Linebacker, and Mulligans in one night.
Bonus points for completing task while wearing retro suitpant dress.
DONE AND DONE! I am proud and pleased to say that drank $1 margs, got second hand
smoke at the Backer, scared small children belting Motorcycle Driveby at O’Rourkes, downed
loaded fries at Oyster because “I needed them,” and ended the whole show at Finnies where
I completed dares #4 and #5. Yes ladies and men, while wearing a retro pant suit, hella
BONUS POINTS, at the small cost of my dignity. Hooray.
 
3. Work in the kitchen of Vesuvios, DOUBLE bonus points for not eating any of the pizza. (2
Calories Saving Points)
OKAY HONESTLY, I thought this would be the easiest by far. But my friends were being
skinny betches (xoxo) this weekend and did the impossible: we said no to all the greasy
goodness that is Vesuvios… Only to immediately order Dominos to the homestead in the cab
ride home (1 cal saving point for being thin crust? Just sayin…)
 
4. Make someone question my gender. Bonus point if the gender someone guesses is not
male and/or female.
This was actually achieved on two separate occasions with bonus points included. Maybe it
was the Kate Gosling wig or perhaps the vintage suit pant onesie. Regardless, two cases, same
story, same glory of goal-completion. Both went a little like this… “Umm… are you like a
girl… or a guy… or WHAT are you?” You know what bros, I point the finger at you for having
no one else to chat up than a questionable male/female/it. Finnies is a Mecca of certainly
sex-identifiable females, especially on Wednesdays!
(Note: Sexuality questioned at higher volumes on Saturday. No words. Let’s just say my
long-distance relationship is certainly getting called into question as I continue to push the
limits of my own gender.)
 
5. Challenge Finnies bouncer to Pop-A-Shot and/or arm wrestling match in exchange for
my $5 cover. Bonus points for getting him to share the emotional significance behind at
least one of his tattoos.
Here’s the deal. Rick wouldn’t play me in pop-a-shot and I certainly knew my odds in an
arm-wrestling match so I simply asked that handle-bar-stashed-hunk to tell me about one
of his tats. Without an ounce of hesitation, said bouncer lifted up his shirt and pointed to his
heart, where he has a tattoo the shape of a sun with his wife’s face right smack in the middle.
“She’s my sun!” Actually really cute, I got mad respect man… I hope that I can be the sun of
someone’s gray-haired chest someday. Sigh.
 
DARES FOR THE WEEK:
1. Complete “coning” circuit on rollerblades. Stops at Burger King, McDonalds, and DQ.
2. “Find” an unwanted bike on campus and put chrome pegs on it. Attempt to make a profit
on the pegs by offering taxi rides to class from Twykenham and/or Eddy street.
3. Find out the gender of Taylor and David’s (of Vesuvios) unborn child. Bonus points if they
ask me to play wii with them. (Side Note: TRY THE VESUVIOS MOZZ STICKS, FRENCH
FRIES, AND CHICKEN WINGS… seriously lots of negative-cal points but really, IDGAF!)
4. Braid my hair into Fabio’s at Fever this week. If you don’t get this, you’re an idiot. Double
points for fish-tail.
5. Go bungy-jumping at the mall without a bra on. Wearing a sweatshirt DOES NOT COUNT.
 
Lylas,
The Trailblazer
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