I’ve always loved journaling. But one of the bittersweet parts of journaling is finally filling a journal. It always makes me a little sad, because it feels like saying goodbye to a trusted friend. A month or so ago, I scribbled out my thoughts on the last page of my most recent journal. I started writing in this particular one when I was 17 years old, around March of my junior year of high school. It had been with me for three years, and had been there through a lot. I love going back to read my thoughts, and see what kind of person I was last week, last month, last year. In honor of filling my most recent journal, one that’s lived alongside me through so much, here are a handful of random lines I wrote that I feel most define the past three years of my life:
“There were butterflies in my stomach. All in all, it was good.” (March 29, 2017)
“They made me laugh harder than I thought was possible.” (July 26, 2017)
“Life isn’t always happy but it’s always f*cking beautiful.” (October 29, 2017)
“I love him I love him I love him.” (October 30, 2017)
“Life’s kinda funky right now.” (December 5, 2017)
“Tim (my dance teacher) told me I’m a fearless dancer. I like the sound of that. I told John* this and he told me I’m a fearless human too.” (December 6, 2017)
“Sprinting back to the car in the freezing cold while cracking up made me feel alive.” (December 29, 2017)
“We sat in there, crying and hugging.” (January 3, 2018)
“I AM SO F*CKING HAPPY!!!” (February 24, 2018)
“We were exhausted the next day but we didn’t care.” (March 4, 2018)
“My soul is happy.” (March 12, 2018)
“I GOT INTO NOTRE DAME” (March 21, 2018)
“It was the right thing to do.” (March 24, 2018)
“My heart was beating so fast. I’m trying to go with the flow.” (April 24, 2018)
“We drove home with all the windows down and screamed along to our favorite 1975 songs. The sunset was so pretty and it felt like summer.” (May 1, 2018)
“… and drove us all to Taco Bell in his shitty minivan. There were no seats in the way back…we both just couldn’t stop laughing.” (May 6, 2018)
“It was exhilarating.” (May 11, 2018)
“He is literally the most confusing boy in the world.” (May 13, 2018)
“We snuck onto the football field through a hole in the fence and put up a tent and slept on the grass by school. Was one of the funniest things ever.” (June 3, 2018)
“I cannot believe my four years are over. It all happened so fast and I don’t think I’m ready.” (June 5, 2018)
“I can’t wait to be at Notre Dame. I know I made the right decision…but what if I don’t make good friends? What if the classes are too hard? What if it doesn’t work out?” (July 25, 2018)
“Then we climbed Tower Hill and ran down as the sun finished setting.” (July 30, 2018)
“Second to last night home. I’m sitting here packing up my room and I feel like I’m packing up my whole life.” (August 15, 2018)
“I officially survived my first week of college.” (August 27, 2018)
“I am literally having the time of my life.” (October 2, 2018)
“I think I might like him?” (October 7, 2018)
“I feel everything so much. It’s exhausting.” (October 21, 2018)
“Like?? Are you KIDDING me??” (November 25, 2018)
“They’re forever kind of friends.” (December 31, 2018)
“Friday night was the most iconic night yet.” (February 17, 2019)
“School is kicking my butt and I feel kind of defeated.” (February 28, 2019)
“We saw lovelytheband at Legends and he talked about how these days right now are the best days of our lives.” (March 29, 2018)
“I’m done asking what if this or that doesn’t work out. Because what if it does?” (April 12, 2019)
“I’m done with my freshman year.” (May 24, 2019)
“She told me that I was human sunshine and that kind of makes me feel like I’m doing all right.” (June 10, 2019)
“It’s sophomore year, baby!!” (August 27, 2019)
“I was laughing so hard that I snorted. Such a good day.” (September 22, 2019)
“I literally cannot believe that happened. What a night.” (October 14, 2019)
“Appalachia was one of the most rewarding, incredible, and life changing things I have ever done.” (October 26, 2019)
“I don’t want to be that kind of person.” (November 10, 2019)
“So here’s to 2019, and to hoping 2020 is just as incredible.” (December 31, 2019)
“It has been with me through the best and worst moments, through every laugh and tear since I was 17…I can’t wait to see what happens next.” (January 7, 2020)
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*Name changed for privacy reasons.