Dictionary.com defines Chivalry as- ugh, I know. What is this, an English paper you wrote in the 6th grade on the bus next to your best friend who will get a better grade than you because she didn’t write hers on SpongeBob stationary? But I need to start this off with a definition, everyone. And I couldn’t use Merriam Webster because Dictionary.com came up before that on my Google search.
Dictionary.com defines Chivalry as: “the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, justice and a readiness to help the weak.” Some girl on Tumblr defines Chivalry as: “he brings me flowers every time he sees me one time I saw him randomly in the grocery store and he had flowers there too he’s a real gentleman.”
If you’ve ever seen a rom-com or talked to more than five women in your life, then you’ve heard the phrase “chivalry is dead.” The female lead in the rom-com says something like this after a man opens a door for himself and not for her. Our heroine will scoff and wish that men still wore fedoras and put their coats on puddles and were like Mad Men but you know, without all the misogyny, infidelity, and alcoholism.
Opening doors. Paying for dinner. Standing up when a woman leaves the table. All of these are thought of as romantic and polite and indicative of good breeding. When a man does it.
I would like to direct the attention now (an arrow? Do I use an arrow? Ugh how does writing work??) to the aforementioned definition of chivalry: “the combination of an ideal knight… to help the weak.” Now, I don’t know for sure…but I think they’re talking about people like me! I feel preeeetty confident in conjecturing that the concept and definition of “chivalry” is about men helping women, by opening doors and throwing flower petals, because women are the weak.
WAIT HOLD ON DON’T LEAVE. I know that men who open doors for women and pay for their shoes or something aren’t doing it because they necessarily view women as weak. They probably have cool parents who taught them to treat women with respect. That is awesome. And I like these guys a lot.
But I have problem with the word chivalry. Aside from the “women as weak” implications that come from the definition, I don’t like the idea of men treating women with respect.
Because men should treat everyone with respect (see what I did there I’m tricky so tricky.) Women should treat everyone with respect. It should be a socially ingrained custom for me to open a door for a man. It should go without saying that a man should open a door for a transgender man. It should be so ridiculously commonplace that we just treat every person we see with the same respect chivalry demands of its knights. Just like it was so normal for Mad Men guys to stand up when a women sits down at the dinner table (which, full disclosure, I’m this close to scrapping this whole article because I think I want old fashioned chivalry back just so I can stand up and sit down 50 times during a dinner to tire them out. Like, why did we even need feminism?)
Chivalry implies that men should treat women with respect because they are women. I realize that the intention was probably (maybe, possibly) filled with kindness and concern. But I don’t care. Chivalry says that women need to be treated kindly because we need it. Because women need help. Maybe that’s true. But here’s the thing:
We all need help. Everyone.
So open a door for someone. Just don’t take their gender identity into account before you do.