Gemma,
I have a sexual past– and I never really thought anything of it, because I always dated guys who didn’t have a sexual past before me. Then, I came to Notre Dame, and I dated someone who made his way around– and it destroyed me. It got to the point where if I would see any of the girls from my boyfriend’s past, I would turn into such an ugly, insecure person, finding faults with them that were beyond ridiculous. i would Facebook stalk them, I would avoid places on campus I knew I would see them, and I would even avoid going to the dining halls at times that I knew they would probably be there. Whenever I would see someone that resembled them, an awful feeling would come across me. Basically, I turned into a psycho. Gemma, how do you get over a guy who has a past? Obviously everyone does, but how do you get over the fear that you will always be compared to someone before you? I have read countless books (I hate my boyfriends ex, for the most recent one) and have read blogs that offer the same, crappy advice- “Everyone has a past. If it was supposed to work with her, he would be with her, but he’s with you! You can’t change the past, yadda yadda.” I was always so scared to try anything new out of fear that it wouldn’t be special because he had done it before. My boyfriend would always say that I was insecure and needy, but now that we aren’t together I realize I am extremely secure and independent and that perhaps it was his fault that he didn’t make me feel like I was the best of everyone. While I am single now and enjoying my time being single, I know that I need to get advice on how to not get so upset about my next boyfriends past because I believe it caused the ultimate ending of my previous relationship because I felt so insecure. Do all girls feel like I feel and just mask it really well, or am I one of the only people who feels this way? Thanks so much for starting this!
-Miss Independent
Dear Miss Independent,
First of all, props to you for admitting this- most of us never do. Try looking at it this way: you have a sexual past too. People bring different things to the table every time they’re in a new relationship. There might be things that you’re more experienced in than your partner, and vice-versa. Intimate moments that you guys share are special because it’s the two of you and they will be special when you share them with someone else. The dynamic between every couple is different and exploring that together is what matters. Women are practically whipped into comparing themselves to other women. I’ll be out partying and see some girl I’ve never seen before in my life and think, “Is her stomach flatter than mine? Her legs are definitely smoother. I’d give anything for her hair!” And then run to the bathroom and adjust my cleavage and apply my twenty-eighth coat of lipstick (side note: lipstick > lip gloss). And it’s even harder when you know that your boyfriend has seen her naked. I can guarantee that guys feel the same way too, but they never address it because they’re all kings of the pride and would never admit to be being inferior to another man. So when you start your next relationship and feelings like this start to bubble up, sit your guy down and talk to him. Be honest about your feelings without making him feel like it’s his fault. If you’re vulnerable enough to open yourself up to him, chances are he will too, and next time you guys run into one of your exes he’ll just squeeze your hand a little bit tighter and keep on walking.
Keep on rocking,
Gemma.
One of my closest guy friends and I have been in a “no strings attached, friends with benefits” arrangement since the beginning of this year. We’re both fine with it, but the judgement I’m getting from the rest of our friend group who inadvertently found out, is getting out of hand. Why are they only giving ME a hard time and not my guy friend? We’re equally responsible for our actions, actions that should only involve the two of us. Any advice?
-FWB
Dear FWB,
Friends with benefits is always pretty tricky, especially if you two were close to begin with. There’s no guarantee that someone isn’t going to get their heart broken because you don’t know where things are going to go, and it sounds like that’s where your friends are coming from. No one wants to see their friend get hurt, and it could also be that they’re worried about your arrangement messing with the group vibe. But they also have to realize that you two made a decision together and this is working for you. It might help if you explained the dynamic you guys have. Why did you start this up? Why does it work? Sometimes when people don’t understand a relationship they panic and criticize it. If you gave them the details and logically explained how things work between you two they might be a little more lenient.
Men will never get half as much critique as we do for being sexually active. It’s the way of the world, has been since Abraham was around. It isn’t his fault so it’s not worth bringing it up with him, but if it comes up again with your friends, gently remind them that this is a two way street and you both chose to start this up. Takes two to tango, baby, and they’ve got to understand that. They’re allowed to be concerned. Appreciate the fact that you have friends who care enough about you to want to check in and make sure you’re okay. But like I always say, everyone’s life is their own and this was your decision. Besides, that’s always a better workout than a Stairmaster.
Keep on rocking,
Gemma.
How do you find these encounters? I have no game.
-Dry Spell
Dear Dry Spell,
It’s hard. The sexual culture here at Notre Dame is small compared to other schools. I talk to friends of mine who go to NYU, or USC, or UT, and they’ve got stories for days. What I’ve learned is that discretion is important. Because sexual encounters can be so rare, the first thing we want to do is brag about it. I also have a large social circle, so I used to make the awful mistake of telling all of my “friends” about who I would hook up. For a while I had a reputation for disclosing a little too many of my intimate details. But I found out who actually had my back, who wasn’t going to judge me, and who I could trust with stories as important as these. Once I toned down my gossiping habits, it became a lot easier to find sexual partners. Everyone wants to have fun, but in a casual environment, no one wants to talk about it the next day. So keep your head down and find who and what works for you. This doesn’t mean you should be ashamed of being sexually active. It just means that your private life should remain private.
In terms of “no game,” I find that hard to believe. Everyone is confident and beautiful in their own way. I have friends who are drop dead gorgeous, and they get by on their looks. I have other friends who aren’t the standard definition of beauty, but they’ve got quirky senses of humour and guys are attracted to that. Find your strengths and play them up. And if you’re open about your flaws, you become a lot more appealing. No one wants to hook up with someone who thinks they’re perfect. There shouldn’t be A game, there should be YOUR game and that’s different for everyone.
Keep on rocking,
Gemma
Want anonymous hookup advice? Ask Gemma here.