Let’s talk about change. Specifically, my progression of first idolizing Lizzie McGuire to now staring at that Indie Girl in the forest. I think it was George Washington who once said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” You could say I was pretty patriotic my senior year of high school.
I am ten pounds heavier than I was at the beginning of my senior year of high school. Past Katherine is hearing this right now and FREAKING OUT. But to past Katherine, I say: relax. Your hair got a lot better. You don’t wear that shirt anymore. You know, that one with the moose.
There are a lot of things I need to explain to past Katherine. First of all, I need to address seven-year-old Katherine, who is asking “Why do I care about weight in the first place also what do I get for Christmas in 2002?”
There aren’t just televisions and radios and magazines telling me what pantyhose to buy and what Covergirl products to put in a shrine. I can go on a machine that will lead me to screens with girls in oversized hats and undersized shirts. They will look artsy and little and adorable, sweet but sexy. They are mysterious but open to conversation as long as they’re short and filled with Robert Frost quotes and set in a coffee shop that is not a Starbucks. I have a million different sources telling me that being skinny is awesome and will make that sweater look…bigger. I had no choice but to start worrying about weight. Also, we got that American Girl Doll. But not that one, the other one. With the ponytail thing.
Then 13-year-old Katherine says to me, “But I thought we just wanted to look like Lizzie McGuire?”
I no longer want to be Lizzie McGuire circa 2003, which is how I used to gauge how grown up I’ve become. But now I go on Tumblr and I realize that maybe I don’t want to be Lizzie McGuire but I TOTALLY want to be this girl who is lying in the forest wearing high waisted shorts and a bandeau next to an accordion that I’m assuming she is using to kill her prey with because she’s in the middle of a wintery forest, dear God someone rescue her she’s so skinny she won’t last that long! So there is a new type of girl to emulate and she wears ironic clothes. I don’t know…I probably don’t approve but I do want her boots.
17-year-old Katherine chimes in: “I don’t think that that guy is going to like you if you’re 10 pounds heavier.” OH! Okay, it’s like that? Well, first of all, shut up. Second of all, why are you assuming that there is a guy I am trying to impress? I am not always trying to impress a guy, like you are. I have things to do. I am graduating soon. Also, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Mindy Kaling, and Lena Dunham have changed a lot of things for me and you haven’t gotten there yet, so, okay, yeah you…just, wait, I guess. And start studying for AP Bio now. No, that doesn’t count. Get the book.
Like what generally happens with time, life, and actors’ haircuts over the course of a series, things have changed a lot. Just because I don’t freak out about an extra pound anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t look at the girl lying half naked in the forest and feel envy. (And concern, she really does look cold and hungry.) Every year it seems like there is a new kind of skinny to keep up with. And I’ve realized that just because I’m transitioning out of the years when I would chase that kind of skinny, it doesn’t mean that I’m not affected by these images. And, much worse, my younger sisters are affected by these images.
Despite my years of wisdom (wisdom…cheese stick enthusiasm) I still don’t really have an idea how to combat the sinking feeling of “Oh…yeah, no, I don’t look like that.” I do know that we all have to, we HAVE to stop this judging-other-people’s-bodies thing. I know that all the clichés nowadays like “the girl in the magazine doesn’t look like the girl in the magazine” are true and need to really sink in and start reversing the societal beauty pressure imprints on our brains. I know that most things probably taste as good as skinny feels. And I know that I’m 10 pounds happier than I was at the beginning of my senior year of high school.
Mostly because now I eat cupcakes. Take that, George Washington.