Why do we forgive? More often than not, we say we’re sorry because we are still holding on to some regret or guilt. We have not taken all the corrective measures to learn from our mistakes. Or we’ve diverted from our path so much so that we don’t know how to regain our footing.
Freshman year was full of apologies—to those I hurt, to those I had let down, to those I had disappointed. I left freshman year thinking I had made amends.
This semester I realized that I had forgotten one key apology—to myself. I realized that the person I strived to become was noticeably different from who I was currently. And my freshman year had consisted of further diverting away from my goals.
I had always discounted self-forgiveness. I think the reason why is that if I have to forgive myself that means that I did, in fact, mess up. Chalk it up to stubbornness, but that was something I never liked to admit.
This refusal to show myself mercy affected all areas of my life. I couldn’t distinguish myself from my missteps. When you allow yourself to fall into this trap, it is so detrimental.
As I made new friends this year, I didn’t believe that I deserved these friendships. Every time I fell short in school or an activity, I accepted it, rather than questioned how can I overcome this.
It impacted my voice. I stopped participating in classes as actively because I was so scared to say the wrong thing. I didn’t write opinion pieces anymore because I didn’t want to express my own thoughts.
This semester has been a documentation of forgiveness.
I stopped being so critical of myself. I began to apologize to myself as I do to others—profusely and sincerely. I said I’m sorry to myself over and over again. Until I finally started believing it.
I stopped trying to fit my life into the context of “everything happens for a reason,” not because I’m pessimistic, but because I’ve come to realize how naïve that phrase is. Sometimes objectively bad things happen; there isn’t a good reason for that situation.
However, I do believe that when presented these difficult situations, you are provided opportunity. I was once given the advice to look at your challenges through the filter of your blessings. Easier said than done, but that lense has helped.
Finally, I realized mercy needs to be constant. It’s a vow to accept yourself for better, which is easy, and for worse.
This semester, I’ve come to learn that I may not be able to walk the same road I did before. I am fundamentally different from who I was a year ago. This growth is for the best, but what was once a very clear road for me to follow has become muddled through a semester of discernment.
But those who wander are not always lost. I just have to go through territory as I never have before. And writing this article is the start to getting back up on my feet.
Follow HCND on Twitter, like us on Facebook, Pin with us and show our Instagram some love!