Weighing in with Elizabeth: It’s Not You

… It’s me.
 
Happy Valentine’s Day, Northwestern! I’ve always liked this holiday, but that’s because I had one of those mothers who would send me to school with theme lunches on minor holidays: slightly gross-looking green sugar cookies on St. Patrick’s day, garishly bright “fiesta” confetti on Cinco de Mayo, and heart-shaped PB&J on white bread on February 14^th. So I’ve never really gotten that into what Valentine’s Day actually means to a lot of people. I’m single, but I don’t know that I’ve ever felt more single on Valentine’s Day compared to any other day.
 
That said, Valentine’s Day is not a joke. People can take it pretty hard. And it’s not the only time that you might stop and look around, sensing your own single-ness…. it’s just the most obvious time. So, I want to talk about something that, if I’m being honest (which I always try to be for you, lovely HC readers), I have a hard time with.
 
I’m going to lay out the scenario in basic terms. This is what I’ve finally figured out about myself:
Step 1: I judge myself based on how attractive other people seem to find me.
Step 2: I become wildly insecure and struggle to see myself on my own terms.
Step 3: I close myself off, believing that I’m not quite good enough.
Step 4: I’m therefore unsuccessful in lurve conquests and start feeling even more insecure. Repeat. Repeat. Vicious cycle.
Step 5: Cats, cats, and more cats. And a freezer full of Ben & Jerry’s!
 
Let’s not go there, right? Whether or not you’re looking for something—or someone—right now, there’s no denying that the first step on this dangerous road starts with letting someone set standards for you.
 
This Valentine’s Day, I want to challenge you to think about your love/sex/distant, across-the-room crush history and ask yourself if you awaited the approval of the other person for validation. There’s no shame in that; it’s an easy trap to fall into. I have had so many ups and downs in the past year trying to grapple with this—times when I was so high on confidence that I knew no one could tear me down, and times when one sideways look (or lack thereof) sent me crawling back home ready to sit in pajamas and watch Pride & Prejudice for the rest of the weekend.
 
No matter what I say here, it’s not like you can X out of this window, close your computer, get up and suddenly shirk all need for human approval. But what you can do is give yourself a mantra for Valentine’s Day (and all other days, love-themed or not). “It’s not you, it’s me,” you can tell yourself. It’s not about “you,” the other person, their judgments and standards, it’s about “me,” and my ideas about what makes me beautiful.
Feel-Good Tip of the Week:
            Go buy a bottle of multivitamins! I need to do this. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but this winter is ROUGH. Replace the vitamins and minerals you’re not getting from your diet or the sun with a vitamin (preferably a women’s vitamin like One-A-Day Women’s Tablets, $5.99 for 60 tablets at CVS).
            Trust me, I know my stuff! I’m taking Plant-People Interactions! Just kidding I don’t know anything… I’m taking Plant-People Interactions. But seriously, let’s all get into the vitamin habit. Besides all the good stuff in them, taking one every day will be another one of those actions that reminds you first thing in the morning that today will be a healthy day.