Women and hot sex are two things that, when used in the same sentence, often make people uncomfortable. When it comes to women and girls speaking about their own sexuality, everything seems to be hiding behind a curtain of “appropriateness,” especially among men. In this article, I will explore and attempt to eliminate the erasure of the female sexual experience in modern day sex education.
In England in 1752, a young aristocrat was cut off from his family and decided to become a monk. He was sent to a small village to bless the body of a girl who had not woken up during the night. When he arrived, he was “overcome by her beauty, even in death,” and, while her parents were away preparing the burial, he had sex with her. Later, during the burial, banging and screaming could be heard from inside the coffin. When it was opened, the girl was alive and well, and pregnant. She had awoken from what was not death, but a coma.
When scholars were examining the miracle of the girl “coming back to life,” they did not focus on how she had awoken from a coma on her own, but instead on how she had gotten pregnant. Up until this point, it was believed that a woman must orgasm in order to release an egg, just like a man must orgasm in order to release sperm. These scholars were confused as to how the woman had gotten pregnant if she was in a coma, and thus, unable to orgasm. They researched further and found many cases of women who had been raped while they were in comas or asleep who ended up pregnant. To the men of the time, this was good news! Women don’t have to feel pleasure to conceive, they thought, and not only that, but they don’t even have to be conscious! This discovery kickstarted the erasure of female pleasure from conversations about sex and conception for years to come.
The next wild misconception of female pleasure that is evident in the history books revolves around the main source of female sexual gratification: the clitoris. The following story is from is Rachel E. Gross’ fantastic article The Clitoris, Uncovered: An Intimate History. Gross points out that “in the history of sexual anatomy, the clitoris has long been dismissed, demeaned and misunderstood.” In 1545, when a French physician dissected the organ for the first time, he described it as a “shameful penis” and described its only purpose as urination. Then, the word clitoris was created, which comes from the Greek word kleitoris, which translates to “little hill.”
Firstly, the clitoris is not a little hill. Most of the clitoris lies within the body. It is a vast underground network of nerves and blood-pumping vessels. This network is connected to all of the pelvic structures around it, including the urethra, the vagina and the labia. Understanding the full shape of the clitoris allows us to improve our understanding of how the female orgasm actually works. It helps surgeons spare crucial nerves during pelvic surgery and improve gender-affirmation procedures.
It took humans over 2,000 years to figure all of this out, despite the fact that half the population has a clitoris. Throughout history, the clitoris has been found, then lost, then found again with male anatomists competing with each other over who deserves the credit for its “discovery.” And after all of this, the clitoris is still not accurately portrayed to young girls learning about their bodies.
I took my first sex ed class in 7th grade. We listened to lectures and took quizzes on both female and male anatomy. I could find the labia, the testes, the urethra… so on and so forth. When it came time to talk about orgasms, all the girls were promptly ushered out of the room to have our own separate discussion about clits on the gymnasium floor while the boys stayed in the classroom. We chatted with our teacher and learned what an orgasm was and how to have one (hint: it’s usually NOT from penetration alone).
At recess that day, all the boys were talking about their first time masturbating – what it felt like, what porn they watched. My friends and I just laughed and listened to them, not once turning to one another to be like, have you ever masturbated? We didn’t do that until 8th grade, and even then, those discussions were saved for dark, quiet bedrooms at sleepovers, with each girl huddled in our own sleeping bag.
I’m not saying I received the worst sexual education ever (I read a story once about a woman who was told that she couldn’t masturbate because women’s sweat has sperm in it and she would get pregnant) I’m just asking, why do conversations about male pleasure and female pleasure have to be so separate from each other? What, a 14 year old boy can’t handle learning about how to make a girl orgasm with a girl in the room? It’s like our presence alone is too provocative to handle.
The double standard for men’s v.s. women’s sexual experiences continued long after 7th grade. When a man has a lot of sex, he’s considered to be experienced and good in bed. When a woman has a lot of sex, she’s ran-through; she’s “like a used car,” I once heard a guy say. While writing this article, I saw a TikTok about the double standard for male and female rappers when it comes to rapping about sex. The TikTok discussed the extreme backlash that Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion received after they released “WAP.” People – right wing politicians in particular – sent a lot of hate to the two rappers for their “vulgar” lyrics and provocative music video. Cardi and Megan sexualize both themselves and men in the song, just like male rappers have done for years without the same amount of backlash. What’s the difference between men and women talking about their sexual escapades in their songs?
My friends know I am obsessed with Megan Thee Stallion’s “Thot Shit” music video (if you haven’t seen it, go watch it). The video begins with an assumed right wing politician masturbating to one of Megan’s music videos after commenting hate speech underneath it. The rest of the video is an overload of women owning their sexuality, following the politician around. They twerk on the shelves in the grocery store, they twerk next to him while he eats, and Megan even appears naked in his bathtub. The politician is terrified for the entirety of the video.
I love this piece so much because it’s full of women being sexual on their own terms, in a way that men cannot control. I think that lack of control terrifies some men.
Our sexual experience has been hidden, misunderstood, demeaned and ignored for centuries. A woman who talks about good sex is provocative. She’s vulgar and messy. A woman who hides what she likes and doesn’t talk about sex or masturbation is what is modeled to young girls when educating them about sex. This needs to change if women are to ever understand how to enjoy themselves when having sex. Let’s stop lying to guys about whether or not we came. Maybe it’s time they figure out how to actually do it, and not from their friends or from porn, but from women.
I make a point to talk about my sex life with my friends, no matter what gender they identify as. I have sex and I want to tell my friends about it. I have sex and I want to tell my partners what I enjoy. And if a guy unadds me when he hears my body count, then he’s not worth my time.