This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Northwestern chapter.
I don’t know about you, but I didn’t feel very prepared for my first time having sex. Sure, I learned in Sex Ed that the penis goes inside the vagina and, supposedly, both parties have an orgasm! Yay! BUT, even if you haven’t had sex, you know that the process is way more complicated, and a lot less heteronormative. The problem is that even though we all know reality is more nuanced than “penis plus vagina equals orgasm,” we don’t talk to each other about it. There seems to be a collective reticence when it comes to discussing these complexities openly. My goal with this article is to change that, at least slightly.
Before I go on, I want to preface that the rest of this article is rooted in the individual experiences of myself and a handful of other women. Everyone’s first time is different, and the last thing I want to do with this article is to cast a shadow over anyone’s sexual experiences.
The following interviews were conducted by me with women who were willing to share their first time stories. Each story is unique. This article aims to share honest, real experiences of women having sex for the first time, free from the constraints of sex education’s clinical approach, religious dogmas, peer pressure, and the weight of partner expectations. Please don’t think of this article as “a guide to your first time,” but rather as a collection of personal reflections. My hope is that by sharing our stories, I might help demystify the complex experience of a woman losing her virginity.
Interview #1 – April 3rd 4:15pm
How old were you when you first had sex?
- I was 17, about to turn 18.
Was the person you had sex with a significant other? Describe your relationship with them.
- So, we were friends. We met at a summer program. I was attracted to him, but he was dating one of my friends, so I was like, “Okay, whatever, it’s chill.” But then she [my friend] went back home and we were still there. He started acting differently, and I was like, “Oh, okay that’s interesting.”
Can you describe what you had been told prior to having sex about your first time?
- My mom and I have a very close relationship, but before I had sex, we didn’t talk about it very much. I had taken a Sex Ed class previously, but, like, they always just explained the anatomy of it. Like, the penis goes inside the vagina and the haemon will break and you might bleed. But they never said anything about how emotionally exhausting it is. And I feel like that’s true for both men and women; having sex is a lot. Sex Ed doesn’t often go into that all of the way. They just say, “Make sure it’s the right person!” But to be honest, that’s sometimes hard to gauge, especially as a teenager whose friends were already starting to have sex. I definitely expected to be dating the person I lost my virginity to, but that didn’t happen.
What do you think the reason is behind the “protection” of female (or anyone’s) virginity?
- I actually think there’s a lot of things about this in our society that contradict each other. Like, women are told they’re prudes if they’re virgins, but then they’re viewed as “used up” if they’ve had sex with a lot of people. It’s a fine line. I just feel like everyone wants to find a way to be mad at women when it comes to sex. We’re to blame a lot of the time. I certainly find myself blaming myself when bad things happen to me sexually. That makes me very angry. I don’t want girls to feel like that.
As detailed as you want or not, can you describe your first time?
- We had hooked up once before but hadn’t actually had sex. That was the first time I’d done anything sexual – even kissed someone. He wanted to have sex then, but I was scared and he didn’t know I was a virgin, so I asked to wait. So, we made a plan for me to sneak into his room a couple days later. I told him I was a virgin and he said that was okay, so I felt pretty good. Looking back, though, a big part of me going through with it was wanting to get it over with. I didn’t want to be a virgin anymore; a lot of my friends had lost [their virginity] and I really liked the idea of sex. So, I went to his room and we started kissing. He fingered me and it really hurt; he kept trying to add more fingers. Looking back, I was really nervous. I don’t think I felt entirely comfortable with him since it was clear that he just wanted sex. We weren’t acting like friends anymore, which was weird. What ended up happening is that it wouldn’t go in. It hurt so much, and he kept pushing, but I eventually started bleeding so much that we had to stop. After that, he basically just walked me outside and left me there.
How did you feel afterwards?
- I felt terrible. I called my mom crying and told her what happened, and she took me to get manicures together. It took me a really long time to realize that what happened wasn’t entirely my fault. I thought I’d disappointed him or something like that. I didn’t understand why it hurt so much or why it didn’t go in. And on top of everything, he ghosted me right after. I just felt so bad, like I had done something wrong.
What is your relationship with this person now?
- We don’t talk. I eventually completely cut him off after I talked to some other girls who he had hooked up with during the summer program. We all felt a little bit lied to, and I just… yeah, I felt like shit, so. I had a bad first time, and that’s okay. I’ve had better sex since then. Let’s all remember that it’s okay to have a bad first time! Or a good one or a mediocre one. Like, let’s all just take a deep breath about it, you know?
What is a piece of advice you would give to a young girl about her first time?
- Don’t put pressure on yourself to have it be “perfect,” but at the same time, don’t rush. It’s really not a big deal to wait to have sex. Having sex isn’t something that is going to be great every time you do it; the best thing you can do is make sure you’re comfortable with the person. Love yourself. I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s so easy to be upset at yourself or disgusted with yourself or angry with yourself when you have a difficult experience with sex. Be gentle with yourself; it’s a very complicated thing.
- I also just want to add that I’ve had sex a lot since then, and, to be honest, I often don’t feel great afterward. Part of that might be because all the sex I’ve had has been with hook-ups since I’ve never been in a relationship. But it’s easy to feel used as a woman after sex, and I just feel like we need to remember – myself included – that being in control of your sexuality is the most powerful thing you can do. Just have sex when you want; it can be really fun! But sometimes, it’s not fun. Always remember, it’s not your fault when something goes wrong. Make sure you have a support system. Sex is hard to talk about, especially when something bad happens, but I’ve found that the most helpful thing in that situation is to have people that you can turn to for support. It’s hard not to blame yourself, especially when you’re processing by yourself.
Interview #2 – April 3rd 6pm
How old were you when you first had sex?
- I was 16.
Was the person you had sex with a significant other? Describe your relationship with them.
- The person I had sex with was my significant other at the time. We were dating and had been dating since like March of 2021. It was both of our first times dating anyone.
Can you describe what you had been told prior to having sex about your first time?
- I had a really bad sex education because I went to a Catholic school. I was just told to wait until I was married, and I had to sign something promising I wouldn’t have sex until marriage. I was also always told that it would hurt and that I would bleed.
What do you think the reason is behind the “protection” of female (or anyone’s) virginity?
- I think that the “protection” of female virginity stems from control. I think “protection” is really just another way for people to control women’s bodies. It, like, reflects how people think about women once they’ve had sex – that they’re “used up” already.
As detailed as you want or not, can you describe your first time?
- It’s hard to remember because it was so long ago, but I remember it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I had been, like, fingered before, so I didn’t bleed much. I remember thinking it wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought it would be. It was his first time too, and it wasn’t, like, some random event; we had planned to bring condoms for the next time I saw him.
How did you feel afterwards?
- Afterwards I felt content and relieved. I remember feeling glad that I didn’t feel any sense of guilt like I thought I would have. I didn’t come, but I was okay with that. Looking back, it wasn’t good sex by any means, and it was awkward because we both didn’t know how, but I felt happy that I could trust someone with my first time.
What is your relationship with this person now?
- It’s complicated… We were in a relationship for a really long time – from the end of sophomore year to the end of senior year. We always knew that, like, we would have to break up before college, just because we knew that long distance wasn’t something that we wanted to do. And so we broke up, and it’s been really hard to let go of one another. At this moment we’re friends but trying to explore other options with other people.
What is a piece of advice you would give to a young girl about her first time?
- I would advise her to make her own expectations about her first time. Like, if she wants it to be casual or if she wants it to be this huge moment, then it should be up to her. But I would also advise her to manage those expectations. It won’t be perfect; it might be awkward. I would also advise her to ask the person she’s having sex with to use protection.
Interview #3 – April 4th, 5pm
How old were you when you first had sex?
- I was 17.
Was the person you had sex with a significant other? Describe your relationship with them.
- She was my first girlfriend in my senior year of high school. We both had never dated a girl (or anyone) before and wanted to try before we went to college, and we just fell into a sweet little romance. She wasn’t out to her mom though, so we could only hang out in secret. The day we had sex was the one day she had the house to herself. It was scary because I thought her mom might come back, but also exhilarating.
Can you describe what you had been told prior to having sex about your first time?
- I received pretty comprehensive sex education at my public high school, which might come as a surprise. We had a local gay elder in the community come in to talk to us about living through the peak of the HIV/AIDs crisis, and we did a relatively thorough overview of different types of contraceptives. We definitely did not discuss pleasure, or lesbian sexual practices.
What do you think the reason is behind the “protection” of female (or anyone’s) virginity?
- I think virginity protection comes from purity culture and ideas of women as property, developed through the church but embedded within society at large.
As detailed as you want or not, can you describe your first time?
- Her mom was out, so she took me to her room for the first time and put on a playlist she had made., I sat on the bed while she changed out of her clothes and put on perfume. Then we made out for a bit and just started experimenting with what felt good. I remember just embracing the silliness and the awkwardness of it all and being able to laugh in the moment together. It was very tender and sweet, and she made me pee afterward because someone told her that’s how you prevent utis haha.
In as much detail as possible, How did you feel afterwards?
- I don’t remember much after, but I remember feeling so giddy and elated., It was more than just the first time itself, but also one of the early moments where I felt truly at home in my sexuality and comfortable with my own pleasure.
What is a piece of advice you would give to a young girl about her first time?
- Communication is hot as f**k. There’s nothing more intimate than being able to listen and respond to the desires of the person you love, and that includes recognizing the experiences they don’t desire. Don’t let anyone treat you as if sex is one-size-fits-all.
Interview #4 – April 2nd 8:45pm
How old were you when you first had sex?
- I was 17.
Was the person you had sex with a significant other? Describe your relationship with them
- Well, we were friends. Prior to that, we had talked about being together, but we didn’t [date]. It wasn’t the idea of commitment; we were just both busy. We had kissed prior to that, and, like, there was knowledge between us that we liked each other. I feel like it’s also important to note that we were each other’s first times. I had known him since I was in 8th grade. So we had been friends for a very long time.
Can you describe what you had been told prior to having sex about your first time?
- Luckily, my mom was always able to communicate what sex is to me and made me feel comfortable if I had any questions. Going into it I knew there was a possibility that I might bleed. She was also very adamant that if you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. But I also feel like there’s this pressure from society that you have to “lose it” to the right one. And that whole saying kind of makes it seem like a big deal. Also, the whole idea of “losing your virginity…” there’s a lot of sentiments that make it feel like it’s super important, but that’s not something I necessarily believe in now.
What do you think the reason is behind the “protection” of female (or anyone’s) virginity?
- It definitely comes from stereotypes about women and the idea that purity is a huge thing. I grew up in a religious setting, so there were a lot of girls with purity rings. For me, it made me much more nervous about sex. It made me believe that, “Oh, this is so important and I don’t want to mess up and feel bad about myself after.” I feel there’s something emotionally that switches after you have sex. It’s definitely not like that for men, either. I can guarantee that they don’t deal with the thing about, “I have to remain pure,” and are allowed to feel good about themselves after.
As detailed as you want or not, can you describe your first time?
- It wasn’t a planned thing;, prior to it, he was always the one who initiated. We actually never did anything sexual besides kissing prior to having sex. First time was everything, right away. He was, I guess, a situationship. We would never go on proper dates. I was thinking about it leading up to it;, I was thinking that if it were to happen, I would want it to be with him because he was the one I felt most comfortable with. I’m very glad I had that. I think a big aspect for me was that I needed to have an understanding of, “I know he treats me right and will respect me after.” He had helped me with something that was really stressing me out and it felt like no one else could, which is really bizarre because reflecting on it, my family definitely could have helped. It happened in a car because that’s where we were. I told him I was ready and he knew exactly what I was talking about. He had asked prior what I would think about it, and I was always like, “Today’s not the day.” He would never push it, though. There was just a lot of reassurance involved. So, we went to the back. I don’t even know what happened. I felt nothing; like, it didn’t hurt. He was always asking if I was okay. It was in a car, which is definitely not where I expected it to be. But that was okay, because I felt like if we were in a more private setting, that connection would have been a little too intimidating for me. But he was very respectful, which was the one thing I knew I needed. In general, I didn’t expect it to be that short. There was no pleasure for me. So, yeah.
How did you feel afterwards?
- Right after, not pleased. I wasn’t like, “UGH that was my first time???” I was kind of like, “YES! I just had sex.” I felt like a new woman. But I also think I fell into the trap of the whole big deal around losing your virginity. I’m happy to say that there was no regret in the moment and there has been no regret since. I’ve definitely had better sex since then, but the best thing for me was that it was with someone who I knew really cared about me. That makes me feel really nice.
What is your relationship with this person now?
- Well, our relationship after that continued. It became much more sexual after that. It was good to have a consistent person to try new things with. But then it was the end of high school and we felt like we weren’t ready to do long distance or anything like that. Here and there we will see each other. When I think about him, I think of all good things. I think I got to experience a little bit of puppy love with him, which makes me feel very lucky. I would never go back to him, but he was what I needed at 17.
What is a piece of advice you would give to a young girl about her first time?
- A LOT. Don’t pressure yourself. It’s not going to be amazing, and if it is, good for you girl, I don’t know how that happened. If it is your first time, make sure you advocate for yourself because your needs are just as important as theirs. Don’t be scared; it’s so normal, it’s some magical thing, it’s just sex and it can be fun! But listen to your body, ALWAYS.
Interview #5 – April 4th 3pm
How old were you when you first had sex?
- I first had sex at 15, a week before my 16th birthday.
Was the person you had sex with a significant other? Describe your relationship with them.
- It was someone I’d met that day on an app. He convinced me to go through all the bases… a home run that night. In the span of, like, an hour and a half.
Can you describe what you had been told prior to having sex about your first time?
- I had been told to abstain, but obviously teens have needs. I didn’t really know about sex in the same way I didn’t really know love, and I wanted to get one out of the way. I think I was super influenced by Jules from Euphoria who went on hook-ups and saw men. Despite the terror she seems to face, her portrayal was inspiring for a younger trans girl who hadn’t been alone with a man yet. I wanted a taste but bit off more than I could chew.
What do you think the reason is behind the “protection” of female (or anyone’s) virginity?
- I think the reason lies pretty clearly in that sex is a significant and vulnerable thing to give someone. I don’t think virginity is something that should be treasured and sustained because we should be able to express and experience our bodies, but it is valuable. My young promiscuity sent me down a rather dark path that I know would’ve been a lot easier if I had simply embraced my body in other ways. It was something I did to make me feel like a woman, but I really wasn’t ready to be a woman, and think I should’ve waited. It’s a personal choice, but in reflection, I would recommend to anyone to wait a bit.
As detailed as you want or not, can you describe your first time?
- Yup, I was supposed to meet this really hot guy. I was preparing myself for the night, and while I was in the shower – 30 minutes before he was supposed to arrive – he blocked me. So, once all up and ready, I decided I’d take the next man who offered. Someone offered. They looked cute-ish. He drove me in a dog-smelling car to the alley behind my house. There, I wanted to experiment and get a taste before I turned 16. I wanted to be a real girl seeing men, even though he wasn’t anything to admire. We went all the way and it hurt. He was rough. It felt like forever. And he didn’t have lube. I went back inside an hour later. I hadn’t gotten off.
In as much detail as possible, how did you feel afterwards?
- Afterwards, I was a little traumatized for a second, but decided it was because I picked a bad egg. So I tried again. And again. And again. I wish I’d been told to stop at some point, but I’ve gotten really great at keeping secrets in my 7 family member-household because I had to. I think if me and my mom had developed a closer relationship earlier in life like my sisters, I would’ve made a couple different choices, but that’s ancient history.
What is a piece of advice you would give to a young girl about her first time?
- I would tell a girl to find her inner beauty and embrace it. Embrace it on your own or with friends, but if it’s dependent on embracing it for a lover, or for anyone who’s not yourself, take more consideration. I say to younger girls like me, “Understand your worth, and when the time is right, the time is right.” But it’s right when your body AND mind are in sync and you know you can trust the other person. Don’t give it away in the back of a sedan like me; be better!!
