When I turned 20 last month on Aug. 6, I had the impulse to write an honest reflection about myself. People always talk about the pressure of self-identity, about the confusion of not knowing who you are. I’m not confused. I know who I am; I’m just not sure I’m satisfied with that person. This is one of the most brutally honest things I’ve written about myself, and I found it very therapeutic. On your next birthday, I recommend you try it out too. What do you know about yourself? Here’s what I came up with. I hope you enjoy it, find it relatable, or that it helps you or makes you think in some way.
I turned 20 today, and there are a few things I know. I know that I hate when people lie to me or decide what information I should or shouldn’t be told. I try my absolute best to be honest with others because that’s what I want in return. I can be honest to a fault and expect honesty to a fault.
I know I am passionate. I care about the things and people l love more than I should, more than what’s emotionally healthy. My passion can come off as annoying or dramatic, which I probably am a lot of the time. I get told to “chill” on a daily basis even when I’m just trying to express how much I love something.
I care about time spent with the people I love more than anything else in the world and will sacrifice anything to have more. I have crippling FOMO, love when I can help my friends and hate it when they don’t need me. I need friends who are willing to constantly reassure me that I’m doing the right thing, and I’m lucky enough to have found some who do just that.
I know that I lash out because I am deeply insecure. I care too much about what other people think and hate it when someone is mad at me. I am constantly anxious that I’m being annoying, don’t look good, have gained too much weight, am wasting too much time, am not good enough… the list goes on.
I am so unsure about so many aspects of myself, but I’m sure about my heart. I know I always try to do what’s right by the people I love. I know that I try to check myself to make sure I’m not out of line.
I know a lot of not so great things about myself too, stuff that I want to work on. I know I can’t eat without feeling guilty but can’t stop without feeling empty. I know my infinite need to please others causes me to sacrifice my own needs sometimes. I know that I lack confidence and don’t see a lot of the positive parts of myself that the people I love have tried to show me.
I know that I am confident in my actions, yet I find myself seeking constant reassurance.
I know I can be too dependent on other people, especially people whom I shouldn’t be depending on.
I know that I lose hope too easily and don’t believe I can get past certain things even though I always do.
I know my biggest enemy, critic and hater is myself. And despite winning every battle that I’ve put myself through thus far, I still doubt my ability to persevere.
I have lived two decades. I often feel like life is too long but too short at the same time. I still try my best to live every day like it’s my last. I’ve fallen in love, been heartbroken, gone through the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I love shopping, Taylor Swift, getting my nails done and writing. I hate what an anxious and insecure wreck I am but recognize when I’m improving. I am a 20-year-old woman with so much more to learn and countless more ways to grow.
I go back to school in a little under a month and I’m terrified. I hate change. Once I get acclimated to the environment I’m in and the people I’m surrounded by, it pains me to leave. Yet, I have to. It’s an inevitable part of life, growing up and growing as a person. Next time I revisit this piece, I’ll be back at school. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy transition between now and then, but life goes on. Here’s to another decade of being an extremely flawed yet strong human being. Here’s to seeing what the future holds.