So you just went through a breakup. Maybe it was out of the blue, or a long time coming. Maybe it was your decision, or your boyfriend/girlfriend’s, or maybe it was mutual. Maybe it was low key and ended on good terms, or maybe it was messy and plagued with drama. No matter what your situation is, you’re probably still hurting and wondering when you’ll get over them. Whether its crying over a vat of Ben and Jerry’s or dancing your sadness away at the club, everyone has their own way of getting over a breakup. One of the best ways to get over a relationship is unfortunately one of the hardest; don’t contact your ex.
“Contacting your ex” may mean different things depending on the nature of the relationship and how it ended. If you were friends beforehand or ended things somewhat amicably, you might want to take a risk and try being friends. Or you might be furious with your ex for breaking your heart and want to really let them have it. You might want none of the above but just want to talk because you still feel emotionally dependent on them, which are all totally normal responses to a breakup. Keeping the lines of communication open immediately or soon after a breakup, however, is one of the worst ways to get over it. The loss of a relationship is like any other loss; you need time to grieve and mourn. So in the period following a breakup, DO NOT do the following things:
Talk to them unless you have to: I’ve been fortunate enough to have breakups where I never have to see the person again. Not all of us have that luxury; you might see your ex at school, in club meetings, at parties, or in your dorm hall. If you have to maintain any communication with your ex, keep it as limited as possible. Answer their question about what Powerpoint slides they need to read by Monday; don’t ask how their day is going or how they liked the new Star Wars movie. Seeing or talking to an ex before you’ve started to get over them doesn’t let you separate your feelings from them. If you’re texting back and forth the day after you break up, it’s not that much different from when you were together. Plus, your emotions might still be running high; you might have the perfect kiss-off speech planned, and the last thing you want is to give it before you’re ready and end up crying in the middle of it. So if you must see them, keep the communication short, sweet, and to the point.
Creep on their social media. Constantly refreshing your ex’s Instagram or replaying their Snapchat story is like picking at a cut every time it starts to heal. Social media has made getting space from people you don’t want to see nearly impossible, and the temptation to go on Facebook and see if your ex is dating anyone else can be hard to resist. Watching my ex go to the Cape for a fun-filled weekend and hanging out with other girls was like watching a train wreck; you want to look away but you just can’t. Just don’t give into the temptation in the first place. Block them from Snapchat, unfollow them on Facebook, and every time you feel the urge to creep, put your phone down and walk away for five minutes; the urge will pass, but the feeling you’ll get when you see something you don’t want to see will last a while. Ignorance can be pure bliss in some cases, and breakups are definitely one of those cases.
Drunk text or call them. This is just a recipe for disaster. Not that you should care about your ex’s opinion of you, but waking up the morning after a night out and seeing that you called your ex five times, texted them ten, and left a bunch of inebriated voicemails is a horrific wake up call. It probably seems like a great idea at the time, but it makes you look vulnerable and desperate. Plus you don’t know who will end up seeing or hearing what you had to say. So give your phone to your best friend for the night and wake up the next morning regret-free.
Ask your friends for updates on them. Don’t recruit your friends to do your dirty work for you. Running into your ex’s best friend and trying to be casual and bring them up is anything but. Definitely vent to your friends after a breakup and tell them how you feel because it’s great catharsis, but don’t steer the conversation towards your ex and what they’re up to. Breakups mess around with your emotions, so hearing that they are already with someone else or an emotional wreck without you will only make you feel worse. You have so many other wonderful things to talk to your friends about, why bring up someone who will make you feel anything but wonderful? So if you can avoid it, keep your ex out of the conversation.
As someone who broke the no contact rule the first time around and learned her lesson, I hope none of you make the same mistake I did. The first few days or weeks are going to be really hard. Getting used to talking to someone everyday and then not having them around all of a sudden is one of the worst feelings ever, and it can be so tempting to “innocently” text them just to say hi; don’t do it. You’ve survived without them before and you’re going to do it again. Plus think of how strong you’ll look. Again, who cares what your ex thinks? But showing them that you’ve moved on and don’t really need to talk to them anymore will be so much sweeter than drunk-crying or swearing at them over the phone. The no contact rule may suck at the time, but you’ll feel 100% better about yourself down the road and it’ll help you move on in a healthy way.