I am not one of these girls. As my father has always lovingly said, I couldn’t tell you the difference between a baseball and a medicine ball. I do, however, know how to have a good time at Fenway despite my limited baseball knowledge. After many hours of intense observation, I’ve compiled a list of do’s and don’ts (just in time for Opening Day!) that will prevent all of you baseball novices from making any serious Fenway faux pas on your next trip to the Green Monster.
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Do not wear pink. There is a time and place for floral hues, ladies. Fenway Park is not that place. Please do not bedazzle yourself with baby doll pink baseball hats that sport the Boston “B” or don a rhinestone-studded Sox t-shirt worthy of a guest appearance on the Jersey Shore. Keep it simple and rock a red or navy Red Sox tee while participating in Boston’s most beloved spectator sport. Remember: its Fenway, not Fashion Week.
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Forget your diet for the day. Don’t be that girl who is counting calories while everyone around you is partaking in all of the sinfully delicious concessions Fenway has to offer. Order a mile high plate of nachos and a beer and go to town. Also, you can never go wrong with an Italian sausage or hot dog purchase from one of the many friendly vendors outside of Fenway.
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DON’T be fashionably late. Unless you’re pre-gaming at one of the many acclaimed bars on Landsdowne Street, a Sox game is one event that doesn’t require your belated arrival.
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Learn the terminology. For the sake of the sanity of everyone around you, don’t ask what quarter, half, or period it is. Being clueless isn’t cute. Get the baseball jargon down before someone hits a line drive at your face…on purpose.
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Download “Sweet Caroline”. Don’t be the lone mute during the seventh inning stretch. A little Neil Diamond on your iPod is good for the soul. Learn the words and be ready to belt it out with the rest of Red Sox Nation.
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Familiarize yourself with the art of the insult. Boston is the 6th rudest city in America, thanks in no small part to our sports fans. A well-placed slur directed at the players of the opposing team will impress everyone around you and help Boston maintain its boorish attitude toward everyone visiting from outside of the 617 area code. “Yankees Suck!” is always appropriate, no matter what team the Sox are playing.
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Leave your R’s at the entrance gate. If you want to be a true Bostonian, drop your R’s when necessary. Example: I’m at Fenway Pahk. Dropping this consonant isn’t just a means to blend in with crowd. For those of you coming from different planets (i.e. Long Island), it can be a survival tool. Trust me when I say you don’t want to be easily distinguishable as a New Yorker in a sea of rambunctious and bitter Boston fans.