"Alternative Facts": College Student Edition

In his first appearance addressing the public, White House press secretary Sean Spicer presented falsehoods as facts.

Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway defended Spicer by saying that he didn’t utter falsehoods, rather he offered “alternative facts”.

Spicer isn’t the only one guilty of stretching the truth. Here are ten “alternate facts” that college students are have said.

1. I’m going to leave myself plenty of time to get ready before my morning class.

Just five more minutes...make that ten. *mentally calculates how many absences you have left before you start losing points*

2. Only one more episode, then I’ll start being productive.

We’ve all been there. Just lay powerlessly as Netflix automatically starts the next episode and accept defeat.

3. I’m going to stay in this weekend to catch up on work.

Let’s be real here, FOMO is a serious motivator. That work will still be there tomorrow morning.

4. I’m going to space out my work so I don’t leave it all until Sunday.

The library is never more crowded than finals week and Sunday nights.

5. Be there soon!

The “be there soon” text translates to “I should probably start getting ready now.”

6. I’ll just go to bed now and wake up early tomorrow to finish my work.

As soon as this thought crosses your mind, you’ve already taken the L.

7. He’s cuter in person, I swear!

“He just doesn’t have any good pictures! Ugh hold up, let me find one…”

8. I’ll go out tonight, but I’m not going to drink that much.

No one who actually isn’t going to drink that much needs to state it before they go out.

9. I’m really going to start living a healthier lifestyle.

*eats four pieces of pizza on the way home from a night of heavy drinking*

10. Ugh, sorry! I didn’t see this text until now!

I saw the text. I’m just going to reply in five hours so I can stay in bed and avoid putting on pants. Alternative facts: they might not be true, but wouldn’t it be cool if they were? You know, like how regular old facts are?