Hello, all. For those of you who know me, you may know that there was a period where I hit the dating game pretty hard. Maybe a little too hard albeit to the point where I questioned my own standards. Now I know I’m reaffirming standards of the many reasons men are trash, but I think they’re good for some comic relief and bad poetry despite the emotional damage. So let’s get to it, here are the top 10 worst things men have said to me on dates.
(Sorry, Dad, you’re a good man).
10. “There’s nothing wrong with catcalling, I don’t do it though.”
Buddy if there’s nothing wrong with it, then why don’t you do it? Also you condoning it is just as problematic as doing it, and you’re not getting any points for not doing it. It doesn’t make you a “nice guy”. Seriously, thank you, but next.
9. “I read too much.”
WHAT?!?!? This is especially insulting to me as a writer. What are you complaining about? Having the privilege to read when so many others in the world can’t obtain it? Believe me I knew I exercised bad judgement by going on a date with this guy, and my erudite father also reminded me that I should maybe, just maybe stop going out with trash men like this.
8. “Hey, can you come over and wake me up?”
I did not do this (I have some dignity left) but it was strange to say the least. Let’s just say it started out as coffee and then concluded to this? I am not your mother, and I don’t know why boys think that I am. Also screw you, I want my sleep. THANNNNK YOUUUU (Maybe not next)
7. “Oh, you’re a photographer? I am too, but you should model, we don’t need more competition.”
Umm… competition? Are you seriously threatened by a college student who takes pictures of strangers for fun stealing all your business? I also find the model statement to be a bit of a backhanded complicated, but I’ll let you be the judge. (Also who’s “we,” I thought this was a date with me?)
6. “Why don’t you just relax?”
Because, unfortunately I’m on a date with you, ’nuff said.
5. “You’re pretty cool, but definitely not as cool as me.”
Listen mate, wearing a leather jacket with pins, playing bass and classifying yourself as a guy who’s real into music, does not make you automatically cooler when every other sad boy does the EXACT same thing. (Also Lana had it right, you’re pretty cool but not as cool as me). While leather jackets are cool, how about some intelligent conversation about capitalism instead?
4. “What turns you on?” “Equal rights for Women.”
How badly do you want to get into my pants, sir? You’re not winning this round. Honestly just say feet next time, I really wouldn’t judge, because at least that’s justified.
3. “I’m very against pedophilia.”
You know what, buddy, I bet Woody Allen was too… What are you trying to get at? I mean I would think you would be, this topic has never been up for debate. Honestly I should probably convert to Catholicism and burn some sage at this point. You know, cleanse my body and hopefully my brain.
2. “Okay, so pretend I’m your ex…”
Yep. This guy roleplayed as my ex. You unfortunately read that right. I don’t know what he was trying to get at, but you don’t come off as a nice guy for asking me what I would I want to hear my ex say. Maybe you two should get together instead?
1. “I love you.”
Why don’t you just name our kids while we’re at it, ok? I have no words for this one but needless to say, boys are definitely good for writing.
Thanks for reading! (Once again, sorry, Dad).