So you’ve decided to you want to stay friends.
Although a meaningful friendship is attainable post breakup, in some cases that is, it’s important to see if you’re really ready for this commitment and have the right reasons in mind. Here’s a step-by-step guide to figuring out if friends without benefits can actually work!
Step One: Assessing the Situation
I get it. It is totally tempting to cling on to remaining friends with an ex after you’ve broken up. It’s a way to keep that person in your life; someone you’ve had an incredibly close connection with. However, if one of you completely shattered the other’s heart, then it is going to be hard to completely separate feelings of bitterness from the friendship the two of you are striving to build and maintain. If the breakup was truly mutual and the two of you broke up because of lukewarm reasons, such as those so called “artistic differences,” then there is a chance you’ll be able to keep that friendship alive. However, in cases of cheating or other foul play, it will be hard to ensure that both of you are on an equal playing field enough to be friends. Additionally, you have to be honest with yourself: you cannot be just friends if you have some sort of hope that they’ll want to resume a romantic relationship somewhere down the road. Also, if you two are on a break or discussing being together in the future, then a friendship could complicate whatever personal growth you two both agreed you need. You should only decide to be friends if neither of you plan to be romantically involved with one another again.
Step Two: Keeping your Distance
So, let’s say it really was mutual and you’d like nothing more than to remain friends. The next step is to re-establish boundaries. Although you two used to spend all day, everyday together, it is important to – at least at first – keep a considerable amount of distance. For example, if you two belong to the same friend group, it’s going to be important that you only see each other in those group settings for a while. It establishes that you guys are now two separate people – no longer a couple, and things like dinner and a movie or Sunday morning coffee, are off the table. Similarly, “breakup sex” is really only a thing if you’re not going to be friends. It is super important that you two resist the urge to be intimate. Finally, give yourself a little time to heal – no matter how mutual it is, talk it over with friends, and accept what happened so you can move on. It may not have ended in heartbreak, but there is still a certain adjustment period that can leave even the strongest of people a little disheveled in the immediate aftermath.
Step Three: Looking Forward
If you have been able reset those boundaries in order to remain friends in a meaningful way, there’s a good chance everything will be okay! A bit of a forewarning, though – even if things between the two of you are okay right now, there is always a chance of complications sneaking up later on. When one or both of you enter a new relationship, the new significant other may be a little jealous or even a bit weirded out by your friendship upon learning of your past together (side note: do not hide this from your new significant other – honesty and trust are extremely important for successful relationships). Establishing the platonic nature of your relationship and focusing on the present and future with your new partner will help to ease their nerves. As long as there is truly nothing between the two of you anymore, there is no reason your new partner should be having a real issue. However, it is human nature to become a little jealous in this type of situation, so don’t get too upset with them, because sometimes jealousy just can’t be helped. At the end of the day, find that balance between respecting your partner and respecting your friends.