2023. I never quite thought I’d make it past 13. Then I thought I’d kill myself before 16. Then I thought I’d die before high school graduation. In some way, I keep surviving and getting by. Now at 19, I’d like to begin a series where I share lessons I’d give to my 13-year-old self, lessons she’ll be shocked to know we end up learning because it would mean we kept trying to live. Hopefully, I’ll learn not just to exist but to live and learn to appreciate even the negative parts of life as I age.
You will say “I love you”. You’ll say it to friends you’ve made that you would die for; hell, you’ll say it to friends you’d live for. You will say it to friends you don’t know well because they say it to you. You will say it to strangers you meet in the bathroom piss drunk because girls are amazing. You will say it to people you believe you love but in reality, you loved the version of them you created in your head. You’ll say it a million times before you reach 20 whether you mean it or not, but you’ll only say it once out of guilt.
When you say it you won’t even say it, you’ll have it on a piece of paper and give it to him along with his silly little “sorry we’re breaking up present.” You’re gonna feel the immediate rush of sadness hit you like cold air in December and regret runs through your veins for days after you break up. You’ll go weeks wondering if you ever meant it but feeling glad you said it because at least you get to leave him with that instead of the anguish you felt in the relationship for ages before you had the guts to call it off.
Here’s the kicker though:
You should have never said it to begin with. The words “I love you” are meant to be true, genuine, and sacred. You said it thinking it would lessen the pain. You used it as a cushion landing pad when you took a leap of faith hoping what you were doing was the right thing. You used those words thinking if you said it, he wouldn’t break just crack, he would trip not collapse. In reality, what you did was worse. Not only did you lie to him, but you also lied to yourself for ages trying to convince yourself that you meant it.
When you say the words “I love you” you need to mean it. You can’t say it out of guilt, out of cowardice, out of pain. You say it because you mean it. You say it because those words hold weight behind them. You say it because you want to. You say it because you love them, truly.
The next time you’re put in a position where you feel obligated to say “I love you” …don’t.
At this age, you should know words have consequences but you fail to remember that at many points in your life. Make sure the next time you say “I love you” in a romantic sense (which I truly hope isn’t for a while), you actually love them with your whole heart. Make sure you mean it.
Until next time
XOXO – zo